As I wander down the page, I leap from rock to rock, from thought to thought – from ‘tonight I finally have some time to myself’ – to ‘I’m up so early every school day, getting the boys up and off to school, and it never lets up until late at night.’

By the time we have fed and entertained them, have hung out with them, have helped them with their homework, and have finally got them into bed, it’s 8:30 or 9 at night, later if it’s not a school night. By then all I want to do is read for a while and then go to sleep.

So, as I said before, tonight I finally have some time to myself – and it’s not late at night either. I’m alone this night because Aspen and Callahan are in their Karate class at the Y, and Jake and Zane are in the nursery there.
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The path down the page forks here. Should I take this fork and say that my body is finally beginning to wear out, finally beginning to die? It’s interesting, watching it happen. I don’t mind leaving my body. I’m not afraid to die. I know that I’m not my body. I have left it twice before, and, both times it has been blissful.

However, I plan on staying here for another twenty or more years. I want to be here to see my boys become men. I want to be here for Jake at the end. Once, I said that I wanted to leave with him. Maybe I still will.

Or should I take the other fork and say that I really want some good acid, preferably liquid. I really do want some, and soon. I want to fly free once more before I leave this body. I want to dance on the edge of life once again.

I want my boys to see who I am at my best. So far, all they have seen is a mommy-daddy who sits around much of the day, either here at the computer or else with a good book in his hands. I have really been much more fun and potent and out there when I have had good acid. I’d like them to see that side of me too.

The two paths converged. Did you see that? It’s the urgency of my body’s aging that compels me to set off on this admittedly dangerous endeavor. I want to become Wanderer again while I still have my energy, while I can still walk the trails of life, and still enjoy the ride.

Also, acid has always been good for my body. Acid would really help me actualize my goal of living another twenty or so healthy and strong years. Twenty-five would be best. This way, Aspen and I would be able to celebrate our fiftieth wedding anniversary. Callahan would be thirty-six then. Jake would be thirty-three. And Zane would be thirty. They will be men, beginning to mature, men I know I’m going to be proud of. I want to be there for them then. I can do it. I will do it!