Chapter 17 – On the Road

Busting out

He dreams that he’s at UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Institute, where he has worked several times in the past as part of his training in clinical psychology. It’s where they keep the crazy people for the students to practice on. In his dream, however, he is one of the crazies himself, and they have him locked up.

He doesn’t like being here and decides to leave, but when he heads for the big, glass doors at the front of the clinic, the workers all rush to stop him.

He tells them that he is going to leave, to get out of his way. He tells them that they can’t stop him.

They are not going to let him go so easily though – so he tells them that they are each as crazy as the patients they work with, that none of them has any right to judge him, to judge anyone really.

He singles out a man in the crowd that’s surrounding him now and says to him, “you want to dance but you’re afraid to – go ahead anyway.” The man begins to dance. Soon several of the others begin to dance with him, all to the same powerful inner beat.

A young woman, a psychiatric nurse, comes up to him now, telling him firmly to stop. She’s very forceful and sure of herself, and he wonders at first if he is wrong – but then he notices that she is unreal, almost flat, with no real life in her. Seeing this, he puts his fingers in her eyes, and she vanishes in a puff of smoke.

He tells another man that he wants to make love with the woman standing next to him. The man and woman look at one another and then disappear together into a private room to be alone with their love. The remaining folks begin to back away from him, afraid now of what he might say or do next – afraid of themselves really. Everyone is beginning to look fearfully at his or her neighbor in the crowd.

He tells them that they are working with crazy people because they are crazy themselves. He tells them that if they would only focus upon their own craziness, accepting and enjoying it, and leave others alone to focus upon theirs, the world would soon become a more fun and sane place for everyone. They listen fearfully but with no real comprehension, even as they continue to back away from him.

When each of the folks surrounding him has left for his or her private insanity, he puts on his old mountain hat, his daypack, and grabs up his walking stick. Then he walks right through the heavy plate glass doors – as if they aren’t even here. They aren’t really. They never were.

He’s free now. He realizes that he always has been.
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The Test

It sure seems as if something is trying to stop him from going north. The last time he tried, he ended up the sickest he had been in a long while and had to stay home. This time his car broke down on the way.
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Several days ago, he and Karen were heading north on Highway 101. They were just south of Salinas, when the oil pressure light came on. He quickly pulled over, but by then it was too late. The engine had already eaten a valve and soon stopped running altogether.

They left it there, alongside the road, and hitched north to the next exit, where they saw a gas station. The owner, a young guy named Gil, said he could rebuild their engine. He said it would cost them around a hundred and fifty bucks.

After getting things straight with Gil, they got back on the road and hitched north, still heading for Berkeley. They were going on. Gil said he’d have the car ready for they when they came back through on Sunday.

Thus began a weird but wonderful weekend. When Wanderer first came into his life, he had seen him as only a wanderer of his inner world – the old hobo he had brought home with him in a dream. The same hobo who then saved his life and became his senior partner in another dream, showing him a way that was completely different from that of his parents and the existing culture.

This weekend, however, before it was all over, he would also see that Wanderer was somehow behind his car breaking down and all the adventures that flowed from that happening. He would see that Wanderer did all this because he wanted to be a part of his life in the outer world as well as a part of his consciousness.
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They got an easy ride from Salinas and arrived in Berkeley late in the evening. They were exhausted and went straight to the garage that they had already rented, over by the school for the deaf.

He was smoking too much grass. Whenever he would start to come down, his fears would return and hassle him. Otherwise he was in a good place. He felt as if all this was testing him.

Whenever he would begin to doubt that he would make it through the weekend, he realized that it was really just his fear speaking. He knew that he was doing the best he could and that nobody said it would be easy. The main thing he was learning was that whatever happened – with the car, with money, or even between him and Karen– he just had to accept it and move on.
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Early Sunday morning, they hitched out of Berkeley, heading back for Salinas, and then on to home. They have had a good weekend. They set up their garage so they could live in it until they found some rooms to rent. They met some good folks and explored Berkeley too.

They are trying to get out of Santa Cruz now. They have been stuck here for a couple of hours. They hitched here from Berkeley earlier in a van full of hippies, smoking some grass with them. He is feeling good and hoping he can keep it up. It’s very difficult to get a ride out of Santa Cruz.

He is realizing, as he stands here with his thumb out, that no one can judge him anymore, that no one ever could really – because no one else really knows him. He is certainly not going to judge himself any more. He knows he’s doing the best he can.

They finally do get out of Santa Cruz, but then, when they’re dropped off on a dusty side road in the middle of nowhere, he immediately loses one of his contact lens. No cars come by for a long while, but eventually they do get a ride taking them the rest of the way into Salinas. Their car is ready too. Happy to be here, they pay Gil for his work, load up their car, and head on down the road, homeward bound.
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However, less than a mile down the road, the engine freezes up. At least they hadn’t gotten very far. Gil tows the car back and pulls the engine again. This time the car threw a rod and bent the crankshaft. Fixing the top of the engine must have put too much pressure on the lower half. Gil says he’ll have to rebuild the whole engine now. They tell him to go ahead.

They walk back up onto the road now, planning to hitch all the way down to Venice. What else can they do? He knows that he will need to work a lot down there to pay for all this engine work. Hopefully, he’ll be able to hitch back up here by the end of the week for the car.

He’s feeling paranoid. He feels as if someone is out to get him. He realizes that there is a difference though. He’s not being put down or discouraged from his path. Rather he’s being tested by it. Wanderer is asking him if he can be a wanderer himself, can he trust the flow?
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After being stuck on a dark and lonely stretch of road for hours, he and Karen realize they’re not going to get a ride home that night. No one can see them. They realize that they are here for the night. So they climb the fence and stretch out their bedding in the field, under an apple tree and off the road somewhat.

In the morning they’re back on the road early, and just as soon as they put on their smiles and stick out their thumbs, they get a ride all the way into Venice. He’s feeling more manly today than he ever has. These misfortunes are no more than what happens to many others on the road. He’s learning to accept whatever happens to him as the next step on his path of life. He just has to do the best he can, no matter what situation he finds himself in. He just has to be true to himself – that’s all.
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The Hobo

Early one morning, after a hard week of working in the city, he says goodbye to Karen and Gypsy, puts on his pack, and heads out onto the road again. Gill called last night – said their car was ready and that he had actually test driven it this time. He’s excited to be getting it back, although he is somewhat scared of being alone on the road.
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He’s doing all right though. He gets to Oxnard in just under two hours. He’s actually feeling quite good being alone now. It’s slow hitching from Oxnard though, what with no hippie freaks to give him an easy ride. He’s remembering that no one can judge him. No one knows him but him.

He finally does get a ride from these two young women, and later, as they leave him at an on-ramp in Santa Barbara, they tell him that he should have no trouble getting a ride from here. He should have known better.
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He’s been here for almost three hours now. He’s still on the same on-ramp, still trying to hitch out of town. The highway patrol is talking with a couple of guys up ahead of him on the ramp. He remembers that he’s carrying grass. He’s starting to get pissed – at those women for having said it would be so easy to hitch from here, at himself for having listened to them when he should have known better, and especially at all those drivers passing him by in their empty cars. Anger’s a trap though, and he knows that it’s working against him, turning folks away.
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A hobo he had been talking with earlier comes by again. The hobo tells him about a much better place to hitch from, maybe one or two miles north of here. At first, he’s lazy and doesn’t want to walk that far through town with his backpack on, but he’s beginning to think that he might end up being stuck on this on-ramp forever.

But then he suddenly realizes that this ramp is an enemy spot, in Don Juan’s sense, and that he needs to leave here right away. He also realizes that Wanderer sent the hobo to help him – so he hurriedly throws on his pack and chases on down the road after him

Just as they walk up to the ramp and even before he is able to take off his heavy pack, a pickup truck stops and offers both of them a ride. The driver is going straight to Salinas! Elated, they throw their gear in the bed of his pickup and climb in after.
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By the time they arrive in Salinas, he’s nearly frozen to death from sitting in the back of the pickup, but he’s here, at Gil’s garage, and his car is ready. He’ll be leaving in a few minutes to bring it all home. And he’s going to pick up each and every hitchhiker he sees on the road home too.
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Woods Trips

He and Gypsy are in the woods behind Ojai. He’s hiking in to secure a camp for their Woods Trips workshop this weekend. Karen and the other folks in the workshop will arrive tomorrow morning. Today the clouds are playing with the sun, there’s a light breeze, and he and Gypsy are happy to be on the trail together.

It’s dusk now, and he’s starting a fire. Everything’s together. His new tent is up, and he already has more than enough firewood. For him, living in the here and now means slowing down and noticing things, like this fire, noticing where it’s at and what it needs from him.

There are clouds, but he can still see his first star of the night. It’ll be his lodestar for this weekend. Before bed, he walks down to see the moon’s reflection on the pretty little creek that passes by the camp.
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He wakes when a hummingbird flies by for a visit. He does yoga in the early morning sun and then eats a light breakfast. He feels good today. After his camp chores are finished, he meditates for awhile down by the little creek, listening to her morning song.

Now he heads back down the trail to meet Karen and the others. He hikes out aways until he finds a place alongside the creek where he can sit and smoke while he’s waiting for them.

After awhile, he sees them coming up the trail. Soon he’s leading a merry procession back to their camp. The rest of their first day is spent getting everybody’s tent up and organizing themselves. And later, after dinner, they all sit around the fire and begin to get to know each other.
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In the morning, they walk to this magical round pool, surrounded by rocks under a canopy of trees, and share their dreams of the night, beginning to share who they are and what they have each brought with them to heal.

For the rest of the weekend, they wander about in these woods, either alone or in small healing groups. They also continue to come together and share themselves and their dreams, both around their campfire at night and at the magical pool in the early morning.

Attending one of these Woods Trips, folks can let out all of themselves that’s been stifled by their lives in the city – with Karen and him helping them to integrate these newly released aspects of themselves into their daily lives. At one of these Woods Trips, folks can learn to be open and free with one another and with nature in a revolutionary and healing way.
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With Wanderer Again

He’s feeling really scattered in his life. He’s into so many things at once – being the therapist, writing, hitchhiking, traveling, the woods, medicines, getting close with people. . . . Fuck, who is he anyway? Also, sometimes he’s uptight and mean, small and scared, like he was earlier today. But then again, sometimes he’s free and together, loving and open, like he is now. If he doesn’t put all this together, and soon, he’s going to flip out.

A God loose in him – calling Himself Wanderer. He’s pulling him out of his old story, his old movie, and into a new one of daring adventure and wisdom earned. In his old story, he was always passive and frightened. In this new one, he’s being asked, over and over again, to go past his limits, to always say yes to life and adventure and to always say no to fear. He screws up his courage now and asks this God within him – Who am I really? Who am I becoming?”

Wanderer himself answers, “You’re the first free man, the first to be truly himself. Think back over your life. You have always wanted to be free. This has reflected my own desires for you. Until recently, however, you’ve been too weak to do anything about it, having long been captive to your fears. But you are no longer so weak now.”

He hears this. He wants to believe. Wanderer laughs though, when he asks for a sign. He realizes that he has to make a leap of faith. Only by following out the story of his life will he ever know how it’s going to end.

Still hesitant, he tries another tack. He asks Wanderer to tell him more about this story that he wants him to be in. Wanderer is happy to do this, saying; “you’ll be the first free man, the first man who can be totally himself yet still able to live peacefully in society among other men.” He goes on to say, “You’ll be able to do whatever you want, and you will always be in harmony with other people. You are a new type of man, one who is naturally loving and at peace with his fellows.”

“But, what of the old me?”

“The old you that you speak of was never you. He was just the living embodiment of your fears.”

He hears this and realizes that he is free now, free to be himself and to live fully this story being written by Spirit upon the pages of his life. He’s scared, but he does know that, as he moves on into his future, his fears will soon disappear into his past and that, by the end of his road, he will know who he is – although he suspects that, by then, he’ll no longer care.
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Chapter 18 – Exploring Madness

At Dinky Again

He is back at Dinky Creek again – after nine long months in the city. Dinky is as beautiful as ever, and he’s high just being here. There is definitely magic at work, an enchantment that makes everything more beautiful and more real than anywhere he has ever been.
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He is still not free of the city and its vibes. He knows that it will take more than a few hours of being here to release all the stress and the negativity that he took on while he was in the city. When he has though, he will finally be ready and able to move on into his future.

He has already been going through incredible changes this week, so far mostly with the help of grass and long walks with Gypsy on the beach. He knows that he’ll return to the city transformed – and that he’ll be able to maintain these changes by continuing to read Doris Lessing and Carlos Castaneda. Reading them has encouraged him to continue with magic and medicines in his life. Reading them has also given him an understanding of where he’s at and the comforting knowledge that he’s not alone on his quest.
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From Dinky, he can look back and see that he has accomplished everything that he had set himself to do when he was here last fall.

He saw Mary Nunn for therapy. She really helped him, by encouraging him to follow his own destiny and by telling him that he would probably have to go much further out than he had ever thought. He also settled down to work at UCLA and earned his Ph.D. in record breaking time. He even set up his own private practice, in spite of having no one to give him referrals. He also learned to use medicines more wisely and found them to be awesome spiritual teachers.

In his life now, he’s at a crossroads. Where does he go from here? There are so many roads leading from this here and now of his life. What new tasks shall he set himself to accomplish this year?
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However, before he chooses any new path or assigns himself any new tasks, he has to let go of his immediate past. He has to become the boy again, the Indian again, the mountain man again. He has had to renounce these aspects of himself in order to return to the city and accomplish all that he did – but he’s finished with all that now. He can play again.

He won’t plan or control or try to make anything happen. He’ll just do whatever comes to mind, whenever it comes. He’ll let go, trusting himself, trusting God, and trusting the natural in himself. Somehow, out of all this, a new future will begin and will entice him back into the world of body, people, work, and life.
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Carlos Castaneda

It’s quite cool here this morning. He was cold in his sleeping bag last night. It’s still early spring. He’s stoned now, sitting here by the creek in the sun, reading Carlos Castaneda. Carlos has become a wise man; and his books are a spiritual gift for all of us upon the path. His books are profoundly affecting Western consciousness. He’s done an awesome work.

He’s particularly struck now by what Carlos says regarding “listening to the sounds of the world.” He tries it now. He stops talking with himself in his head and listens instead to the sounds that are coming from all around him. He soon loses himself in them and becomes quite peaceful sitting here, listening to the many birds and the wind in the trees, all singing together in delight and harmony with the two creeks.

After being silent for awhile, at one with all the life in the woods around him, he picks up Castaneda’s book again. Reading him now, he realizes that he has to decide for himself how he wants to use grass and acid in his own life. Carlos had Don Juan to guide him, telling Carlos which medicines to use and then helping him to understand what they had tried to teach him when he had used them. In his own case though, he suspects that the medicines themselves will have to tell him how they want him to relate to them, as well as what he can expect to learn from them.

Like Castaneda, he is committed to magic and medicines and will follow them all of his life. He sees that he is becoming a shaman himself. He may even eat some peyote here. He hasn’t done any since that time in Venice, when he ate some and with Steve and his brother Tom was up all night in a dream.

He’s smoking a lot of grass here, and he’s going to do acid too, later in the week. He’s going to listen to his dreams too. He has been slighting them lately but hasn’t wanted to admit it. He guesses he still connects them in his mind with the Jungians and their particular way with dreams that he has just left behind for his own healing path.
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He is no longer hesitant about medicines, no longer unsure as to whether or not he should trust them enough to accept them as teachers. He has already decided to follow their way. In his own life, He has personally seen how they have helped him to overcome his fears and find clarity and the beginnings of power.

Castaneda has been a major influence upon this process. By sharing his own experiences, he has shown how medicines can be used as teachers and allies on an exciting and challenging spiritual quest for personal power.
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Over the Edge

He’s at his Juniper tree again, the same one that sheltered him last year when he was high on acid. Cow Creek is running high this year, and he had to use a rope to cross over to this side. Even Gypsy needed help getting across. He’s sitting under his tree now, where he made all his plans for the city last fall. He’s smoking now.

He decides that he’ll take everything that happens today as a message, telling him who he is and what new paths he is to take. He is really open, over the edge now. He’s going to stay here, under his tree, until he is clear.

Karen comes up and asks why he’s sitting under her tree. She thinks that this was her tree from last year. He knows that he sat under this tree last year. He can even see from here the tree that she sat under then. Something weird is happening. He trusts his memory, yet he believes Karen too. He eventually realizes that it doesn’t really matter, that for some reason they are supposed to be together under this tree today.
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He’s opening up now to a place within himself, one that he’s always been afraid of, one that he has always thought housed his insanity. He and Karen are working on this together now. Reading Castaneda has helped them to see that there are other, perhaps more interesting ways, of organizing their experiences of the world, much as Carlos has been learning from Don Juan.

For example, last night at dusk, he could have said he was just seeing things when he saw a man and woman across the creek from their camp, standing together and looking over at him. With his rational mind, he knew that his vision was the result of a particular admixture of rock and shadow. Yet, by taking it as he saw it last night – as a man and woman wanting his attention and understanding – he received a very powerful insight into what he should be working on now.

Both experiences – of him and Karen at the same tree today and of the couple across the creek last night – are examples of what Castaneda calls “seeing.” Both experiences invited him to relate to them as he would a dream, to see that they were each telling him something about himself and his world.

This way of looking at things is easy here at Dinky. It’s obvious whenever he’s here that everything has inner meaning. When he knows this all the time, when he knows that all of life is but a dream, he’ll awake to a higher ego, to that part of himself that observes and understands life.
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Later, back at camp, he looks across the creek and sees the man and the woman again. They’re closer to the creek now. He asks what they want. They want him to do peyote tomorrow.
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Peyote At Dinky

He is waiting for the peyote to come on. He ate several dried buttons a short while ago. Just afterwards, he saw a hawk, beautiful and glowing red in the sunlight, circling above him. Karen is off by herself somewhere now, doing peyote too. She keeps her peyote buttons in a little sewing box labeled extra buttons.

The first thing he notices, besides a slightly queasy stomach, is a definite feeling of peace. His few thoughts focus upon how he and Karen have to each be whole beings. He has to become more animal as she is, more at ease with dirt and life functions, while she has to become more as he is, more at home with her head and with expressing her thoughts.

He’s upstream along Cow Creek now, moving with the peaceful yet energizing effect of the peyote. He’s standing here by the creek, just below a beautiful little meadow. After awhile, Karen finds him, and they ramble about, exploring together, finding some fool’s gold and several edible plants. He doesn’t feel especially high or stoned from the peyote. It’s not like acid or grass. It’s different. He feels content and at peace and at his best. He doesn’t even want to smoke grass now.

Eventually Karen wanders off by herself again. He sees some oak trees that are just now beginning to put on leaves. He becomes so bewitched rambling about that he has to return to the Juniper tree that he had been under earlier in order to find his way back across the creek.

Peyote sees his straight consciousness in a very positive light, says that he should be straight more often, should give his natural self more of a chance. Surprises him.

He has come a long way this past year. He looks back now to the beginning of it all – back to when he was alone on acid up at Lodgepole, singing his “Song to the Four Corners.” He looks at all that he has done since – defeating fear, earning his Ph.D., building his private practice, and preparing for his move north. When he was at Lodgepole, he spoke to the spirits, but now they are much closer to him. Now he can hear them talking back.
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He respects peyote. It’s definitely a wise teacher. He didn’t do very much today, but he was impressed with what he did do. It’s very gentle and calming, yet somehow still able to energize body. It cared for him too, probably because he came to it with love and good intentions. He wants to do it again and soon. He wants to eat more buttons the next time too.
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Another Way to Ego

Yesterday was magical. Next time though, he wants to do peyote as the Native Americans do, staying up all night around a fire.

Yesterday, he thought a lot about magic too. A critical Jungian inner voice kept telling him that magic is merely an immature attempt to achieve results of one sort or another without ego. He heard this voice, and he agreed that there is that sort of magic. He has been that sort of magician himself, and he knows that many others still are.

But there is also Don Juan and his sort of magic. Don Juan obviously has a strong ego, and he’s teaching Carlos to have one too. Inspired by them, he wants to do as they are doing. He wants to develop a strong ego by choosing the sorcerer’s path with heart. On this path, a strong ego comes naturally from awareness and discipline, in short, from being a warrior.
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This is a different way to a strong ego than Jung’s way, yet one that still has an inherent connection with Spirit. It is not necessary, as the Jungians seem to think, to separate life into that of meaning, involving dreams and analysis, and that of the ordinary, involving work and daily life. Instead, he sees that he can live his life in the ordinary and, at the same time, be in the magical and meaningful. Don Juan doesn’t separate his life into ordinary and extraordinary. He lives in both, as he chooses.
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Exploring madness, or extraordinary reality, is too vague a description for what he and Karen are doing now. They still need to hone their intent to a finer edge. This is why they’re here together at Dinky. He already does know one very important thing, although it’s still new and hasn’t settled in yet. He knows that their work actually does create their reality.

Now that they have committed themselves to their work – to exploring consciousness with these medicines, these spiritual teachers – now that they have made this commitment, all their dreams, all their experiences really, will have to be understood in relationship to this work.

Before they had committed themselves to these medicines, their dreams and their experiences rightly commented upon and helped them to decide whether or not to walk upon this particular medicine path. But, now that they have made their commitment, their dreams and their other spiritual experiences will have to be understood within the framework of their work, understood as commenting upon its course and as advising them how to best carry it out.