Chapter 19 – Clear Light

Acid Temptation

He’s sitting here under his Juniper tree, wondering how he would appear to shamans like Don Juan and Don Genero. Would he seem to them any different than any other acidhead?

He did some acid earlier today, and from his experiences so far, he has already seen that he is committed totally to acid and to this unique consciousness that comes from it. Acid gives him a higher, clearer consciousness than any other spiritual way he knows, leading him ever closer to God and His own Clear Light.

But, unlike most folks seriously into acid, he has always resisted the temptation to give himself over completely to acid. He has always wanted to remain himself.
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It has only been an hour or so ago since he dropped, and he’s already completely out of his head, sitting here under his tree. And he’s still coming on! He’s just floating about, scared yet awed. God is shining so brightly upon him! He must be radiant, a light for miles.

But now he’s scared to let go of any more of himself, feeling that he’ll end up just another acidhead with no personality of his own. He does want to be high, but he still wants to be himself too.

Next, “three uninvited guests” arrive – in the guise of thoughts and feelings about three of his patients – and all of a sudden, he’s himself again, in his head again, focused and thinking about them and his work with them.
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He just backed off from something important. He was afraid that he would lose it completely if he continued to give himself over to the acid just then. Acid tempts him so much, but he won’t give up being himself, and that’s what he felt was being asked of him. He feels heavy now though, as if he has spoiled something. He was losing control, and that scared him, but now he’s sorry that he’s still just himself. He feels as if he just missed a chance to be with God.

He’s not going to be just another acidhead though, no matter how many chances he misses. That way is too easy and too unconscious. But now that he knows that that level of consciousness exists, he’s going to continue using acid to return there. He’ll make sure that he remains himself too, using acid in his own unique way to wander consciously throughout the many worlds.
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Focused Attention

He and acid still aren’t through with one another today – not yet anyway. He won’t surrender his ego and acid keeps coming on, stronger with every minute. He knows that he’s here to meet with acid without losing himself. This is what today is all about.
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He’s sitting here wishing that he and acid could come together. And now he hears from Wanderer himself, “don’t try to fight it. Don’t try to understand, just relax and let me heal you.”

“But, I’m afraid,” he answers.

“I know, but trust me. You’ve come this far. Finish what we’ve started together.”

He hears this, and he finally does let go, and the healer that he has been is finally healed himself. He feels so loved as he lies here upon the earth. The flowers love him too, enough even to want him to lie upon them. They know he’s doing good in the world, and they want him to have all of their beauty and love.
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He has been lying or sitting here all day in the shade of his Juniper tree, moving only with the sun. He has also been experimenting with some of the insects around here, using what Castaneda calls will. He just asked an ant and a fly to leave his space, and they did so. Will is just being centered and then focusing all of his attention upon another creature.

A bit later, another ant saunters by, and he gives it his attention too. It definitely responds to him, seems to like his attention – at least it doesn’t leave.
After awhile, he even tries an experiment. He figures it won’t leave as long as it knows that he’s focused upon it. So he first closes his eyes but continues to see it with his mind’s eye. After awhile, he opens his eyes and it’s still here. He knew it would be.

Now he closes his eyes again, and, this time, he imagines their kitchen at home – the stove, the refrigerator, the sink, the table and all. And now, when he opens his eyes, it’s gone. He knew this would happen too. He guesses that the ant had business elsewhere – “Nice attention, thanks, but I really do have to go….”
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He knows, as he lies here upon Mother Earth’s breast, that she loves him. He also knows that he can powerfully interact with the world by using his will. Today, acid and Wanderer have shown him how to have an ego and still live in extraordinary reality. And letting go to the acid has taken nothing from him, has instead given him love, his own power, and the courage to go on. Acid and Wanderer have been his teachers today, helping him to find his own way between dream and life.
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Wanderer’s Lesson

He hasn’t seen Gypsy in awhile, and he’s worried – the creek waters are very high and dangerous. He realizes though, that whatever is happening to her is out of his control. He can’t really affect what will happen. He can only let go.

He has been thinking of what it would be like to study Castaneda’s books while doing acid. Don Juan would then be the focal image around which previously unknown and undeveloped aspects of his total personality would be constellated.

But he knows that he doesn’t need to do it that way. He has his own teacher in Wanderer, and all he needs to do is to continue doing acid here in these mountains where it’s so easy to connect with him. He doesn’t need anybody else’s wisdom. He has his own source.

He has to learn to accept whatever he gets from life. Gypsy is gone. He might want her here, but focusing upon this just gets in the way of his really being here himself. Gypsy isn’t in this part of his life, and he’ll enjoy himself more by accepting this, instead of wishing for something different than what is.
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Wanderer relates to him now, without trying to interfere. He asks only, “where do you want to be now?”

“Under this tree,” he answers, without hesitation.

“Then stay here until you want to be somewhere else more than you want to be here.” After a short pause, he goes on, “I sent Gypsy away today, as a lesson for you, as a way of letting you smell out your fears and the false scents that they have thrown up to confuse you.

This tree is your center today. It’s true that there are fears and other forces pulling you away, but leaving here before you are ready could harm you. Stay here until you realize that nothing you do matters in the slightest and that whatever happens, happens.”
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He has gone around and around this holy old tree today, always following her shade and the vibes. She has been good to him, and he can feel her love. He is happy. He is thinking how Wanderer is like Don Juan. Wanderer is a trickster too. He tells him to stay here, yet he sends him all these fear fantasies about Gypsy that try to pull him away.

This powerful and healing energy that he has been feeling all day comes from this intense interaction between their two personalities, his and Wanderer’s, existing as they do within the same head and heart. Like Carlos and Don Juan, this interplay between himself and Wanderer leads to great power and wisdom, leads on to the future and the story told.
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Closing the Trip

The sun’s going down now behind the cliffs across the creek. He stands and stretches. He think how special he must be, loved as he is by Mother Earth and her flowers and being taught and led to himself by Wanderer. Then he steps back, thinking, “oh no, this is inflation.”

Wanderer comes in with, “not really. You are different than most and you do know a little of who you are. Most people don’t. You should be proud of that. You’re a good man too, strong and brave and loving, although you are just now starting out upon your path.”

He wonders if he should leave the shelter of his tree yet, then realizes that he already has, when he stood to stretch. He still doesn’t feel ready to leave though.

Wanderer senses his discomfort and says, “you’re afraid we won’t meet again, aren’t you?” He realizes that Wanderer is right. He does want to continue their connection. Wanderer reassures him. “We’ll be together again. Go and live for now. You’ll know when to return.”

Walking back to camp, down to Cow Creek, he falls, stepping on a loose rock, but then catches himself beautifully and lands on his feet. Maybe if he had left his tree earlier, he might have still been in his head and landed on it instead of his feet.

Tonight, when he crosses the creek, he’s conscious and in his body. The water looks threatening, just as it did this morning, but now it’s quite easy to cross. Minutes later, when he walks into their camp, he finds Karen and Gypsy already here, with a fire blazing and glad to see him.
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He’ll never see himself as crazy or as a fool again, as many of his old friends and Jungian companions did and probably still do. After today, he knows that he isn’t. In fact, he’s beginning to see that he’s one of the few people around who is sane.

He has learned a lot today. He has learned to do only one thing at a time and to focus fully on whatever it is that he is doing. He has learned that his focused attention has a powerful effect upon all life and awareness. He has learned that one of his highest priorities is to maintain a strong and healthy body, in spite of knowing that one day it will inevitably wear out. Finally, he has learned to let go, learned that he can’t really control or affect anything or anyone else anyway. Whatever happens, happens.

It’s been a good day. He has finally learned to trust himself and his inner teacher Wanderer. He has also learned that he no longer needs to hold himself back from acid. He can let go to it now without losing himself.
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The Soul of this Land

When he wakes up, he still feels high from yesterday’s trip. He slept deeply and peacefully all night, and now he’s feeling well rested and lazy. He’s doing his yoga now, and he’s looser than he has ever been. Acid is definitely good for his body.

From everything that happened yesterday – especially from meeting again with Wanderer – he has come to see that he is becoming one of those rare persons of European descent who is able to fully accept the spiritual undercurrents running deeply through the soul of this land. He has done this by opening himself up with his medicines – here in these mountains where the world is as it has always been.

Through acid and his experiences with Wanderer and the mountains, he is learning to tap into aspects of the psyche previously unknown to most folks of European descent. However, he knows that the writers of the I Ching would have been completely at home with these mountains, with acid, with Wanderer, and with Don Juan and his teachings. They too were magicians, living close to the land.
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He’s going to drop acid again today, just as soon as he can. Karen already has, but he’s being slow this morning. He’s still gathering firewood, still putting their camp together and getting everything ready for the night.

He is realizing again that he needs to buy some more acid soon. He’ll need it in order to continue to explore this magical and wondrous world with the powerful acid consciousness that he rediscovered and manifested yesterday.

He’s feeling more together now than ever before. He’s happier and more at peace with himself now. He’s feeling renewed and reborn – in the sense of having finally discovered his own true path. He knows where he wants to go with his life now. He wants to merge his soul with the soul of this land.

Karen just came through camp on her way up the creek. She’s already coming onto the acid. He’s going up to his tree soon. He’ll drop there, where he hung out all day yesterday, and then ramble about afterwards. Maybe he’ll go over to Dinky Creek later. Maybe he’ll even dive into the big pool today. The water is so cold though.

He is already starting to feel the acid rush, and he hasn’t even dropped. He takes this to mean that acid wants him to do so as soon as he can. From now on, whenever he feels this rush, he’ll know that it’s acid’s way of telling him that it’s that time again.
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What Don Juan Calls Will

He’s reading Castaneda again, sitting here under his Juniper tree, waiting for the acid to come on. He takes to heart what Carlos has Don Juan say about will – that it is “what can make you succeed when your thoughts tell you that you are defeated.” He agrees. He knows that there is definitely something in him that has kept him going long after he had given up on himself.
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Don Juan also describes will “as a force which is the true link between men and the world….” This idea hints at the deeper relationship that is possible between each of us and the world – the will being the usually ignored psychic umbilical cord that connects each and every one of us back to the Mother of us all.

Don Juan also talks of will as being a different body sense, with a completely different relationship with reality, saying that “when we look at the world or when we hear it, we have the impression that it is out there and that it is real,” but “when we perceive the world with our will, we know that it is not as ‘out there’ or ‘as real’ as we think.”

What about this? Don Juan sounds like old Immanuel Kant, the German philosopher who said that our senses each create a reality appropriate to its nature – for example, the realities of space and time being created respectively by our senses of seeing and hearing.
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Heady thoughts, but he’s had enough of thinking for now. He’s feeling a lot of body energy, and he wants to be up and moving about.

He wanders over to Dinky Creek and takes a quick dip, then plays around on the rocks above the camp here. He’s not very centered though. He keeps losing his balance and falling down. He decides to head back to his tree for awhile, but now he’s having trouble just getting there. He has to focus all of his attention upon each and every step of the way.

Back at his tree, he lies back and observes again this little world around him. The plant he adopted yesterday, the one that he put so much attention into, has already grown some. He watches an ant who remains still, aware of him, with only his right antennae moving. Finally, when he focuses upon the ant’s left one, the ant leaves – changing channels? Now a fly lands on him. When he focuses upon her, she likes it, and soon, wanting it all, she’s chasing all the other flies away from him.
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Everything living, this wonderful tree and all these plants and insects, all thrive on focused attention, on what Don Juan calls will. It’s what we humans are really here for – if only we would see this!
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Chapter 20 – Lost and Found

Learning to Fly

He dreams that he is able to float above the ground just by pulling up his legs. At first, he can’t do it very well. He can only float for a second or so, and he can’t move about very well at all.

Later on, when he comes out of the movie house, he realizes that he is getting better at it. He can stay up longer now and can even move himself about a bit. There are several others with him now, floating out here in the street, all of them going in the same direction, towards home.

More and more folks are floating about now, and most are already moving faster and more gracefully than he is. At the intersection, for example, he notices that they all cross over at a speed that he can’t even begin to match. He starts watching what they’re doing.

He imitates their style. He starts flapping his arms as they are doing. He also changes his body position so he’s parallel to the ground and can swim through the air. This really helps him to feel more graceful. And now he is moving as fast as he wants.

He stops trying to keep up with the others and begins to play. He finds he can do a flip in the air, either backwards or forwards and either very slowly or very fast. He really likes this! He’s learning control. He wants to fly home now and show the others, especially Jonathan. Maybe Jonathan can fly too.
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He’s entering the realm of magic!

Ever since his incredible acid trip at Dinky several weeks ago, his dreams have been reassuring him, have been giving him positive feedback about himself and his new path. His dreams have now accepted the reality of his commitment to acid and are now totally focused upon helping him to use it well.

This dream of flying reflects the consciousness that has evolved within himself as a result of his work in the two worlds, ordinary and extraordinary. In the ordinary world, he has strenghtened his ego by earning his Ph.D. and by building up his private practice,

And in the extraordinary world of acid and the mountains, he has learned to let go of attachments, to let go and fly. Now that he has strengthened his position in the outer world as best he can, it’s time for him to let go of who he has been. Now it’s time to fly. It’s time now to allow for the birth of a higher and wiser personality. He really started something when he let Wanderer into his life as his senior partner. Since then, he has been changing radically and always for the best.
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The Contact Lens Lesson

Whenever he and his friends are at Dinky, in addition to their cooking fire down by the creek, they have another one up above, near where they all sleep. They call it the living room fire. They usually go up there late at night to look at the stars.
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They were hanging out there last night, when one of his contacts fell out of his eye, probably overly dry from the fire’s heat. Except for the dying fire, it was pitch dark about, with no moon at all. Using their flashlights, they all got down on their hands and knees and looked all over for the nearly invisible lens. No one had any luck though, so after awhile they all gave up and went off to their sleeping bags.

He was freaked. He couldn’t get it out of his head even to make love with Karen. He went inside himself then and tried to regain his center. He asked Wanderer for help. Wanderer told him it wasn’t all that important, just a lost contact lens, with no hidden meaning behind it.

Wanderer also reminded him of a time in one of Castaneda’s books when Don Juan had misplaced something and was walking around and around his house, scratching his head and trying to remember where he’d put it. Wanderer wanted him to see that anyone can forget or lose something, without it necessarily meaning that they have fucked up. As soon as he saw this, he wasn’t scared anymore.

Afterwards, lying in his sleeping bag, finally at peace with himself and the world, he heard Wanderer’s voice again, this time telling him that the contact lens was stuck inside the brown wool shirt that he had been wearing at the fire. He fell asleep then, at peace and without even bothering to look for it.
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When he wakes up this morning, he remembers the lens he lost last night. He also remembers what Wanderer had said to him just before he fell asleep. He looks for the lens inside his wool shirt now, where Wanderer said it would be – and it’s here!

This comforts him greatly. Wanderer saw, in spite of the darkness of the night, the almost invisible contact lens fall from his eye and land inside his shirt. Wanderer actually cares for him. Last night he let him know that the lens wasn’t lost as he had thought, that it had already been found, as soon as it fell really, and was waiting safely for him.

He trusted Wanderer too, so much so that he didn’t even bother looking then. Instead, trusting, he slid easily into a peaceful and healing sleep. He has learned from all this that Wanderer is very magical and wise and that he loves him, looks after him, and protects him always – even from himself and his fears.
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Validation

Mike and Neal have been his friends for years. They guided and then joined him on his first ever acid trip, back when he was still with Pamela. He has done acid with them several times since then too. They live in Venice, in the canals. He and Mike have been in many sensitivity and encounter groups, and they have also led several together. He and Mike are close friends.
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He was over at their place last night, and they gave him a wonderful gift, sharing with him how they see him, something that most friends would never do.

Basically, they see him as a man who is loving and friendly, who’s a good father, who’s successful, who accomplishes whatever he sets out to do, who’s healing with his patients, and who should feel really good about himself. They can’t understand why he doesn’t always see himself this way.
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Someday soon, he’ll be able to see himself as they do. He has to deal with his parents first, with both the inner and the outer ones, and with his feelings about them. Moving away from LA, moving north and over four hundred miles away from their sphere of influence should really help.

When he talked to Mike and Neal about his parents, they responded vehemently, saying that they must have been horrible to him. He guesses he still has trouble seeing this, just as he has trouble seeing that he’s any good sometimes. When he was young and living with his parents, before he had his own trip or any way of objectively evaluating theirs, he got caught up in and submerged within their common and fearful unconsciousness.

Because he introjected so much of them and their ways into his own self when he was young and before he could discriminate between himself and them, he still carries them within himself wherever he goes. They were the templates for that side of himself he calls Granny.
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He remembers walking peacefully down a dark alley recently in Venice, late one night, past all the drunks and the strange characters, and suddenly feeling his parents’ fear at being alone there. Feeling this fear, he realized that they were still within him and just as scared as ever.
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Studying the I Ching

He’s studying the I Ching seriously again, focused this time primarily upon its wisdom and its worldview rather than upon its oracular ability. He’s reading it straight through now, cover to cover.

He’s also asking the I Ching each and every morning where he’s at for the day. Then, at the end of the day, he’s going back over the hexagrams he received in the morning and letting the events and understandings of his day give meaning to them. By doing this, he’s coming to understand and connect to the book in a way that’s both relevant and meaningful for his own life and times.

When he was in Berkeley recently, on Telegraph Avenue, he bought a new copy of the I Ching at Shambala Books. He also bought new coins and some excellent yarrow stalks. His new copy will be for traveling and backpacking. His old one is too fragile to be carried about anymore.
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He has already learned something important from his studies. He has learned that the outer aspects of success or failure aren’t at all important. What is important is that he be the superior person in each and every situation in which he finds himself. Don Juan agrees here, saying that a man of knowledge must always strive towards that place where victory and defeat are the same, understanding that the knowledge gained from either experience is of equal importance.

Actually, he’s seeing that the superior man and Castaneda’s man of knowledge are quite similar. The men who wrote and developed the I Ching related to reality in much the same way as do Don Juan and his comrades.

Wanderer also taught him this very same wisdom under his magical Juniper tree at Dinky – that whatever happens, happens and that he can’t do anything about it, except be conscious and centered while it’s happening. This is a universal truth, one personally relevant for him in his life now.
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Sometimes, when he compares himself to the minds and souls of those who created this great and holy book, he wonders what he has to offer. Then he realizes that he has his life. By living in harmony with the book, he can give life to those same minds and souls that he so honors, still embodied as they are within the book they helped create.

And it’s very easy for him to live in harmony with the I Ching – to be completely himself yet live in accordance with its wisdom. He doesn’t have to force his nature in any way to fit the book and its way. He’s a natural born Taoist.