Chapter 27 – The Old City

The Old One

He’s back at Dinky. He hasn’t been here since last fall, hasn’t been anywhere in the mountains since last November when he and Karen were at Willow Creek. They came up to Dinky this time with Bobby and Edie. They all arrived late yesterday afternoon and had just put their camp together when it began to snow. They have all stayed warm and dry in their magical lean-to.
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He just dropped acid at the Old One, that large and living stone that sits just before the crossing at Cow Creek. He stops and talks with this wise presence each morning on his way. It’s finally sinking in, being here, that he has really moved north, that he is no longer living in that toilet bowl called LA.

He’s having trouble loosening up today. He has brought a lot of fear with him this time. Realizing now that it’s all old stuff, he listens to the sounds of the world, becoming who he can be again.

He becomes spring, realizing he has been winter. The feelings that he has brought here aren’t all personal to him. They are also of the seasons, part of the powerful magic of the seasons.
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He’s under his Juniper tree now. He has come home. He realizes that he has been frightened all winter. Because he was frightened, he has experienced a great deal of failure in both his life and his work. Because he was frightened, he has continued trying to make it as the Whiteman therapist, scared still of the woods and his own craziness. No wonder he has failed.

He is ready this year. He has to be. Otherwise he’ll stay this frightened old man for another year, or more – sort of crazy yet still trying to make a Whiteman’s living by staying sort of sane. He would rather go completely through his craziness than stay stuck as he has been, half way through it.
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Later, after a day of meditating and wandering alone, he’s back down at the Old One, heading into camp for the night. He feels new again, reborn. He has new vision and new energy. He and Karen will work together, with others, exploring the Old City – a new beginning.
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Farfetched Howlingwolf

The next day, in the early morning, he’s across the creek with Karen and Edie. Bobby, who lives with them in Berkeley, is around somewhere. He’s realizing that this is one of those times when he can be whoever he wants to be and that out of his decisions will come new energy and new direction.

For one thing, he knows that he’s going to follow the new consciousness that’s emerging into the world. And as a first step, he is going to stop letting people get away with calling it crazy, with all that the word implies, with all those attitudes and judgments associated with it that have been laid upon people like himself.
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He’s under his tree again. There’s new life in him. He can feel it. It’s wild and untried, growing stronger each time he does medicine. It’s about to burst forth, like thunder in these mountains in the early spring. He wants to do only whatever he wants to do. This is simple enough.

He’s not wearing his contacts or his glasses today. He’s just being himself. Maybe accepting his eyes as they naturally are is the beginning of accepting himself as he naturally is.

He’s naming himself Farfetched Howlingwolf. He’s wild and he’s free and he comes and goes as he wishes. He’s a free man. He chooses to break with the existing governments, both inner and outer. He needs no government and no man rules over him.
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Later, after hanging out by himself for hours, he rambles over to the big pool where they had all agreed to meet. Bobby is already here, swimming in the deep and chill waters. He throws off his clothes and dives in without hesitation, wanting to center himself in his body. Soon, Karen and Edie see them and come down for a swim too.

He has decided today to always be himself, no matter how difficult this becomes. Now that he has cast the die, he still feels fear and trembling. However, this fear is different. Before he had decided to be himself, he was afraid to ‘cross the creek,’ afraid to let go of his ego so he could be his true self. Now that he has decided to let go, he’s afraid that he won’t be able to bring any of it back ‘across the creek’ to share with others.
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His Old Death Images

In the midst of everything else that is happening at Dinky, what with Bobby and Edie being here with him and Karen, he has finally come to understand the significance of certain strange but key images that have come to him over the years of his life. He understands now that, taken together and arranged in a sequence, they are memories from his death experiences as a young boy – of going under the ether, of his heart stopping, of leaving his body and dying, and of finally of being brought back to life and pain and fear.
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There are four main images. The images consist of the three hooded figures standing over his bed; the swing that goes all the way over, dropping him into the darkness; his blissful floating towards the white light; and finally the strange feeling of heaviness that he wakes up to in his hospital bed.

He relives the sequence now. In it, they come for him in his bed, the three hooded men in black. They carry him away and put him on the swing. They make him go higher and higher, until he finally goes over and falls through endless, dark space. He is terrified, afraid of hitting the bottom. But then he hears a mysterious voice telling him that there is no bottom, to turn the falling into flying. Letting go then of his fear, he begins to fly blissfully towards the white light. But before he gets there, he is snatched back into his body with its life of pain and fear.
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This is what happened when he was a little boy and died on the operating table: He was taken away by these three hooded wizards, perhaps the three doctors who were standing above him in the operating room. He was given ether until he swung higher and higher and finally fell into oblivion. However, in spite of being completely separated from his body and its trials throughout all this, he somehow remained awake and aware.

There was one terrifying moment when he feared he was falling and would crash. But then, hearing that mysterious voice in the darkness, he realized there was no bottom and turned the falling into flying, allowing himself to float out to the white light. Now he was blissful. Now he was going home.

But no, the doctors brought him back to his body and his life. When he regained consciousness, he felt so heavy, after having felt so light, so free, and so blissful.
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He died when he was operated upon as that young boy. His heart stopped. He stopped breathing. He left his body. Ever since then, death has always been and still is a teacher. There is a tradition. Black Elk died when he was a young boy. So did John Lilly, while undergoing an operation. Teachers came for both of them when they died.
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He has his death images now. He knows what will happen at the moment of his death. He will die peacefully in his bed. He has already made his peace with those three dark and hooded figures who will come to guide him away from this life. He knows where they will take him then too, and, most importantly, he already knows the goal of his journey – his return home to that white light.
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The Seasons

Living in Berkeley now, he usually sleeps in the garage or else out under the stars in the back yard whenever the weather is nice. Living outdoors as much as he does, he’s beginning to notice the profound effects of the moon’s cycles and the sun’s changing seasons upon himself and others.
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It’s easy for him to see the changes as the moon goes through her monthly cycles. When she is old and dark, there is more negativity and, for him anyway, more likelihood of becoming sick. When she’s new and beginning, everything is still slow and his physical energy is lowest. As she becomes full, however, his physical energy grows in intensity and power.

He notices the difference at parties especially. Around new moon, everyone sits around, talking, and being mellow. Around full moon, however, everyone is up and dancing and the sexual energies are out there and very strong.
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The seasons, created by the Earth moving in its particular way around and around the sun, reflect a similar, although much slower and even more profound cycle of light and energy.

At the Winter Solstice, when the sun’s energy is weakest, our consciousness is dimmed and our emotional and physical energies are weakest. It’s a time when we can easily become sick or overly upset at ourselves or others. Depression, marital arguments, separation, and suicide abound. The animals that hibernate are smartest. They’re in tune with the seasons. We humans should at least make the time of the Winter Solstice a time of spiritual retreat and physical rest, saving our energies for the spring.

In the spring, everyone and everything is bursting with new life energy. It’s a time to fall in love, to conceive our children, to plant our gardens, to plan our futures, a time for new visions. It’s spring now, as he writes, and he can feel his juices flowing, overflowing really.

Summer is a time to enjoy the warmth. The sun is strongest then, and it’s easiest to maintain that clear light of consciousness sought by anyone who wishes to be an aware being.

But then, in the fall, after the harvest, when winter with its coldness and darkness and death begins to draw near again, and before the cycle is about to begin anew, our energy should be allowed to return home, to our connection with God and with death and renewal.
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The moon goes around and around the Earth, which goes around and around the sun. It’s all a dance of energy, and we’re a part of this dance too, with our lives and with our awarenesses.
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Chapter 28 – Love and Marriage

A New Marriage

He and Karen and Bobby and Edie made a strong connection when they were together up at Dinky last week. The four of them really opened up to one another then and have been hanging out together ever since. They are back in town now. Bobby is still a bit closed, but that’s just his way.

They all dropped acid at the house yesterday, and Richard, an old Jungian friend of his from LA, dropped by in the middle of their trip. He wondered then what it meant, this reminder from his Jungian past. Just before Richard came, they had all been very excited. They had been talking about moving onto the land soon and giving up on trying to make money, instead putting all their energies into exploring the Old City. It seemed to them then that whatever was happening, it was coming at them really fast.

Richard got caught up in their energy while he was here with them and wanted to be part of their trip. But none of them thought so. He’s still the typical Jungian, not at all ready to do acid with them.
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He decided yesterday, when they were all tripping, that he wanted to be part of a family, centered on exploring the Old City. He told them that he wanted all of them to be committed to staying together and working out their feelings for one another, especially those feelings concerned with trusting and sharing. He told them that he wanted them to live in the mountains as soon as they could, but he wanted them to continue to put energy into the city too.
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When he was with Karen and Edie last night, he told them how he felt about each of them and what he wanted. He told them that he wants to stay married to Karen. He told them that he wants Karen and him to marry Edie. He and Edie are both very excited by all this, yet scared too. Karen isn’t as excited maybe, but she’s still being open and supportive.

He’s putting all his energy into this. He has let his healing groups die. He’s only working now with folks who will do acid, with him as their guide. He’s scared by these major changes in his life. He had a marriage with Karen. He had work that he liked and that he was good at. He’s giving all that up.

But now he has freedom to be new. There is this exciting potential for a new and larger marriage, together with new and fascinating work. Karen says she’s no longer afraid for him, says she hasn’t been since he decided to be married to both her and Edie.

Everything he has learned from his parents and his culture says that he’s crazy and ruining his life. Everything he has learned from acid and the mountains and Wanderer says that he’s finally on his own path of life – as exciting, strange and wonderful as it is.
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Lovers

He’s parked outside Karen’s work place at the VA in Oakland, waiting to take her to the airport for a plane for LA. She’s trying to finish her doctorate at UCLA and has an important meeting with her old advisor there. She’s going to be staying in Venice with Steve and Simone.

The magical thing between Karen and Edie and him is really happening. They are actually going to be married. He can barely contain the energy coming to him from this. He’s very spaced behind it too. He may appear calm on the outside, but he’s feeling extremely chaotic and wild on the inside.

His life is a shambles. He’s broke. He has no money coming in. He has given up on being a psychotherapist. He’s waiting for new directions, for new work. Sometimes it has been difficult for him to trust himself and his future.

In spite of this, he has let go. And he’s not afraid or confused anymore. He feels this powerful energy within him and knows that it’s not his to use. He knows that it has its own goals and is merely working through him.

However, he does know that he is becoming a man of God, doing God’s work in the world. He does know that he is here to show others this new way, in the war between the old God consciousness and the new.

He and Karen are marrying Edie in order to further this work. Although three people relationships are very powerful, they are also very difficult because there is always the danger that two of the people will exclude the third. He is hoping that their focus upon the work of realizing this new God consciousness into the world will help them contain their diverse and all too human energies. He’s also hoping for a connection that will allow the three of them to be energy generators together, turning other folks onto this new consciousness too.
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Karen has been in LA now for three days. Here in Berkeley, his mind has been blown. He and Edie have been together almost constantly. It’s been magical. Karen has spent a lot of time with Steve and Simone too. She even slept with them one night. He and Edie did acid last night and finally made love themselves.

He has decided to leave the city soon. His old city trip is dying. He wants to go on the road and wander. He wants to discover who he is by what life brings him.
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The Other Side of It

Several weeks later, the three of them are doing acid in the Berkeley house, hanging out in their bedroom in the garage together. It’s turning out to be a disaster for all of them. Karen and Edie are really hurting each other out of their fears.

In spite of all the hurt, it has still been worth it for him. He has been able to recognize some of the patterns they have been acting out together. In particular, he has noticed how Edie retreats when she wants attention. He has noticed that when she does this, he usually follows after her, away from Karen, who then becomes hurt. He has also noticed that when he does stay connected with Karen, Edie comes back on her own.

Karen is frightened. He is just realizing this. He didn’t think it would be so hard for her. For his part, he has been afraid of going crazy and has been hanging onto Edie for validation. Whenever she has left, his self-hater has returned and attacked him. He has even been afraid to go to the mountains alone or explore the Old City with acid on his own anymore. He has needed both Karen and Edie with him to support himself against his fears. He has even wanted Edie to come to LA with him and Karen.

He does want Karen and Edie’s validation. But he would rather be his own man, able to go to the mountains and do acid alone again. How can he get from where he is now to where he wants to be?

He knows he’s demanding too much of Karen and Edie. They are already afraid to be themselves, afraid that if they are, they’ll lose his love. He wants to be unafraid himself. He wants to do whatever he wants to do – so that they both can too. This is why he has wanted them to see just how frightened he is and how much he has been leaning on them.
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Several days later, Edie leaves – “for awhile,” she says. He has been very anxious and depressed ever since. He misses Edie and the life the three of them were building together. He still wants it to work with the three of them.

For him to get from where he is now to where he wants to be, he has to work through this three people relationship. He has to grow from it. This relationship is an alchemical container. Their combined energy – both positive and negative, both sexual and spiritual, in all its aspects – is the transformative fire that will change each of them, especially if they can contain this energy and no longer let it all out sexually.
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Karen Confesses

He’s trying to rediscover who he is separate from his thing with Karen and Edie. Edie is still gone, up north somewhere. He’s wondering if she will ever come back. He’s tripping alone in the Lodge today.
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He knows that he has become too high and too spaced to stay in the city. He’s too sensitive now to noise and to the vibes of all the other people living around him. He has nothing except Karen to keep him here any longer.

But he doesn’t want to hurry Karen. He doesn’t want to pull her away from the good work that she’s doing at the VA. She isn’t as bothered by the city as he is, and she still has her work. When they talk about it, she says that, although she can only take the city for two days at a time, she does want to stay until her work is finished.

He’s in conflict now. He misses making love with Edie. They are lovers, and he wants to build on the love between them. He is closer now with Karen though, and he can feel her fear. How can he make love with Edie when it scares Karen so?

He thought he was tripping alone today but Bobby and his friend Roger are in the house tripping too. He thought he noticed some extra energy. Maybe that’s why he came on so fast and so strong. He goes in the house now and hangs out with them for awhile, tired of being in his head and afraid all the time.
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Later, Karen comes into the lodge and hangs out with him. She tells him that the reason he fell in love with Edie and the reason this is all happening now is because, last year at the music festival, she and Brian, the cellist they knew, were lovers. She adds that this is why she has been so accepting of his relationship with Edie. She felt it was her karma.

He’s very moved by her honesty. Everything now appears in a new light. He feels so much love for her. They hold each other now and cry together. After awhile, their love stirs them, and they slowly begin making love. She asks if he wants a child with her, and he says yes.
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They have just begun their life together anew. They both know that they conceived when they made love. They felt it happen.