Chapter 13 – Goodby to Berkeley

John Perry and Acid

While they’re still in Berkeley, they hear about a “crazy house” in San Francisco, a place where the therapists and the patients all live together. It sounds very intense and similar to what they’re getting into in their own lives. They’ve been quite involved with healing their own “craziness” – by transforming it into higher consciousness. Now that they’ve succeeded with this, they’ve been helping others do the same.

They arrange to be part of the group interview to be conducted by John Perry, the Jungian analyst who heads up the “crazy house” project. Synchronistically, while waiting for the interview date, they meet some good folks here in Berkeley, folks who are living together in a healing collective with people who are too spaced out to take care of themselves.
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There are over forty of them at the interview. They all sit on the floor, arranging themselves in a circle in this large room. Everyone here looks to be very high and serene, sure of themselves. He’s glad just to be here with them. They go around the circle, sharing who they are and why they would like to be involved with the work here. He’s very moved by many of the stories, both by the suffering and by the resulting light he sees reflected in so many of them. He feels an inner kinship here.

When it’s his turn, he speaks of who he was just years ago and who he has become since then. He speaks of acid and the mountains. He speaks of Wanderer and traveling. He speaks of his inner work upon himself and of where he’s at now in his life. Talking about himself lets him see who he has become more clearly than ever before. The group head here is very focused and aware and lends greater clarity to each of their stories.

John Perry tells him that he seems to be on a deep, inner healing journey, a dark night voyage of the soul. John feels that he hasn’t brought it all back yet, back out into the light of his life. John encourages him to continue to wander and to let life live him.

Then John blows him away, saying that he does acid too. His associate nods to let them know that he does also. He wonders what his life would have been like if he had been studying under Jungians such as these, instead of those uptight asses in LA. Maybe he would still be with the Jungians. He might now be a practicing Jungian analyst himself. He wonders maybe, but he doesn’t want to change back, not now. He’s looking forward to the adventure of the road.
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Out of the House

They have finished moving out of the house. They have even sold their bed. They’re free. He’s feeling better now too, finally released from all the tension of these past few weeks of tearing down and packing up their old life.

They’re still sleeping at the house though, either in the van parked in the driveway or else in the backyard. They’re heading down to LA tomorrow to say goodbye to the folks there, then back here for a few days of partying. After that, they’ll start out on their next road adventure. They’re probably going to Dinky first.

Last night stoned, he realized that his enemy now is clarity, as was fear before. Don Juan says that clarity is the second enemy of man, after he has defeated his fear. He knows he has defeated his fear. He still feels it sometimes, but it doesn’t overwhelm him anymore, and it doesn’t work through him without his awareness. It’ll be interesting. He doesn’t really know how to overcome clarity, except to do as Don Juan suggests and consider it as a rather limited and egocentric point of view.

He has just enough money to go on to the next stop. Leaving for LA, he has a little over a hundred dollars. Seems though, that the money is always here when he needs it. He remembers Wanderer saying that all he needs to do is wander and money will come.
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LA’s okay. He has a good time with Jonathan and Pamela. He goes running on the beach. He and Karen have momma cat, Sylvie, with them. The van is her only home now, same as with them. She’s mellow, hanging out in Venice with them. They really love their home. He’s becoming detached. All that’s important to him now is getting to Dinky this spring.

They’re seeing old friends in LA. It’s very good this time with Steve and Simone, with Steve especially. He sees Mike too. He hasn’t seen him in awhile. Mike’s really hurting and is afraid to change. He’s getting sucked into the system. He sees Richard and Kent. He’s saying goodbye to all of them. He cries, leaving Jonathan. He knows he’s going to be on the road for a long while before he sees him again.
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They head back to Berkeley by back roads, taking their time so they can sort out all that happened in LA. He’s feeling really sad leaving. He wishes he had connected more with his friends and family, especially with Richard and with his dad.

Several days later, after they’re back in Berkeley, they’re able to notice how down and afraid the LA head was. It’s obvious to them now that they’re back here where the head is so up and unafraid.
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Acid Party

He wants to party with their friends before he and Karen leave Berkeley. He wants to have all his friends, all the different sides of himself together. He wants everyone he knows to do acid and party with him.

They invite all their best friends and tell them that it’s an acid party. They invite maybe twenty or so folks. Abby and Bobby and Cheno and Sharon will be here. Joe Shaker will be here too. In fact, he’s already here. Chuck is too. He’s playing chess now with Bobby. When the other folks come, they’re going to meet them at the door and offer them acid.

All of them who are already here drop acid early, in the late afternoon, although no one else is expected until after eight. Joe doesn’t do any surprisingly. He says the I Ching counsels him against it. Joe going to just meditate and smoke all night.
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By the time they’re good and on, the first of the folks come, and, because these folks see all of them so high and having such a good time, it’s easy for them to get into it and drop acid too. Only one couple has any trouble with this, wanting introductions first, as if words and names would mean anything to them after they’ve tripped – as they finally do.

Early on, they have a dance circle in Cheno’s small bedroom. At one time, he counts twenty of them in the circle, each of them completely tuned to all of them. When Cheno leaves the circle to roll some joints, someone steps in to “do a Cheno,” taking Cheno’s place in the circle while he’s gone; so as not to break up the dancing head they have. Cheno likes to roll joints and soon the dance circle is passing his joints around. Before long, each dancer has a joint. Cheno rejoins them then, and they continue to dance away their minds.

Later, they find Bobby curled up under the kitchen table. He says he’s okay, but he looks uptight, and he won’t look any of them in the eye. He’s been afraid to join in the group head that the rest of them have had and has been alone all this time with his pain. He comes out of it now and joins them. He says he’s okay for now, but he’s not really, not like he could be.
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It’s the most wonderful party he has ever been to. It shows all of them that people can do acid and be high and loving together. There is so much love and openness between all of them. People are sad that he and Karen are leaving just as they are all getting close. Some of the folks want to follow them, at least as far as Dinky. He remembers what Wanderer said and doesn’t encourage them, except for Abby and Chuck who have already decided to go as far as Dinky with them.
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Chapter 14 – To the Mountains

A Sad Goodbye to Dinky

Some years they have come to Dinky as early as the first of April. It’s May now, so they don’t expect any trouble getting in. They’re wrong. Before they reach the trailhead, there is several feet of snow blocking the road. They have to hike in the last mile or so of the road.

Abby and Chuck are with them. Sylvie is with them too and, of course, runs away before they even get a half-mile down the road. They take off their packs, relax for a while, and wait for her to come back. He’s not ready for this, for another animal running away from them, not after all the times Wolf split on them before he left for good.

Karen soon finds Sylvie though, so they head on. At Rock Creek, there’s no way to cross at the usual place, the creek waters are way too strong and so high that they cover all the rocks that they usually use to cross over. They scout upstream and find a snow covered log that they can use instead. He goes across first without his pack, pulling a rope behind him. He ties it to a tree on the other side as Abby ties the other end to a tree on their side. Now they have something to hold on to and to steady them while they cross over.

They finally arrive in camp after a slow hike through the woods – lots of snow everywhere, several feet in many places. He has always wondered what it would be like here in the winter. It would be like this, only more so.
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The next morning the clouds come, and Abby starts bitching. They’re all tired and discouraged now. They all want the sun. The snow wouldn’t be a problem if they were warm from the sun. Chuck is staying the highest of any of them. He loves it here. Later in the day though, it begins to snow again. Abby tells them that she has had it, is going to leave in the morning. They tell her that they’ll walk out with her, make sure she gets out all right.

It snows all that night too, and is still coming down when they wake up in the morning, so they all decide to leave together. Chuck would rather stay, but he’s okay leaving. He wants to stay too, at least long enough to do acid and properly say goodbye to Dinky, knowing he won’t be back this year, but Karen has a great deal of energy to get them on the road. She really wants to get back East. He’s more into staying in the mountains, staying at least on this side of the Rockies.

For now, they hike out to the van. Then they drive down the road until they find a place to camp below the snow line, a place where they can relax while they decide where to go from here. He’s really upset leaving Dinky without having even gotten up to his tree above Cow Creek or to the big pool. He will be back.
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Yosemite

They decide to go to Yosemite next. They’ll stay there and wait for Tioga pass to open in a week or so. They they’ll head out of California and onto the road. Abby stayed the night with them here and is now on her way back to Berkeley in her car. Chuck wants to go to Yosemite with them. He’ll stay there when he and Karen go on.
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As soon as they arrive in Yosemite and pull into the campground, they realize that they don’t belong here with all the folks in their campers, with their lanterns and their noise and all. Sylvie agrees and runs away again. Oh, lady. . . .

He’s really enjoying Chuck being with them except when they all have to be in the van together. It’s too crowded then. On their second night here, Chuck, who has been sleeping outside, bangs on their door, yelling for them to let him in. A bear is just outside, raiding all the trash cans and coolers that folks have left out. Chuck’s afraid the bear will eat him too. They don’t get much sleep that night.
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The next day, they decide to move to another camp. They hear about the climbers’ camp, called Camp Four, and check it out. They find really different kinds of folks at Camp Four – rogues and adventurers, folks who are like them. They hurriedly move over and finally begin to enjoy Yosemite. Chuck likes it a lot better here too. He has been feeling that he has let Chuck down, leaving Dinky without even turning him on to its magic. Chuck is connecting here though. Sylvie likes it here too; at least she hasn’t run away yet.

They’re getting to know the climbers here – Babbs and Big Jim and Stan, and later, Ken and Little Jim back from their climb. They share a meal with them this first night – rice and stir fried veggies and chicken with some delicious rolls.
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Each day their climber friends show them the routes they’ll be taking that day, and they watch them from below, seeing them as little specks on the giant Yosemite walls. Each evening they hang out with them and listen to their war stories and for a joint or two shared. He’s not at all tempted to climb. Chuck is though.

He and Karen are waiting for the pass to open. Chuck still wants him to stay and show him the mountains. Karen wants him to go on. He does want to see the country more. He remembers who he was on the road last winter, wild and crazy and enjoying himself immensely. He doesn’t know about the East Coast though, too many people and cities for his blood.
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Letter to Jonathan

He’s up in a high canyon above Camp Four. There are rocks tumbled all about here, with a little stream working its way down among them. He’s following the stream up, as he comes onto acid. Wanderer is giving him his traveling papers, his assignments so to speak. He’s to follow acid and stay connected with the land wherever he finds himself. He’s to follow back roads and let the wind blow him where it will, allowing for Spirit. He’s to let go and follow the wildness that is welling up within himself.

He’s thinking of his son Jonathan. He misses him a lot. Jonathan’s birthday is the day after tomorrow. He’ll be twelve then. He has nothing to give him at this time except his love. He realizes though, that he can write him a letter and share his love. He does so now:
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I can give you only one thing at this time, my son – the knowledge that you are free and can determine your own destiny. There has never been another person like you. No one knows what it is like to be you. Because of this, there is no one who can tell you what to do. Because of this, there is no one you can tell what to do either. If you know this, you are free.

If you are coming from your center, being yourself, there is nothing you can do that is wrong. There is nothing anyone else can do that is wrong if they too are centered and being themselves. If you know this, you are free.

Everyone is doing the best he or she can. Sometimes, however, our best may not be good enough. Everyone is trying to be a good person. No one wants to be a bad person. If you know this, you are free.

We are all born good people. We can all be free. I’m free and Mr. Nixon isn’t. He doesn’t even know that he can be.

We don’t need government. Government is telling people what to do. We don’t need to be told what to do. We don’t need to tell others what to do. Freedom and government don’t go together. Be free. I love you.

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He misses Jonathan so much! He wants his son with him. A voice tells him, “You have him. You carry him within you always. Let him out.” He hears this and stops grieving. He begins to play, jumping from rock to rock, finally letting out the wild, young boy within himself.
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Chuck and the Medicine Man

It has been difficult for Chuck to let go of his Berkeley head so he can really be here in Yosemite. He may be afraid, but he is letting go. He’s being brave and open. He’s connecting with the climbing folks here, planning on staying with them after he and Karen leave.

Chuck’s off on a two-day vision quest by himself now. He wanted to go with him and have his own vision quest; but Karen was antsy, wanting to leave here soon. She’s worried that he might get off in the woods and forget to come back for a while or else have a vision telling him not to go east with her. It’s all possible.

While Chuck’s gone, he drops acid again in the same high canyon above their camp. It’s full moon now. He has just read Castaneda’s Journey to Ixtlan, the last three chapters. He has stopped his world. He has gone through a death and rebirth experience. He has lived in two different worlds, until he has become free of each, until he has seen that neither is real and that he creates his own reality.

He’s realizing that with Chuck around all the time, he has had to be the teacher, has had to focus upon him and his process. Here today, alone in the canyon, he can be a medicine man, a holy man, alone and talking with Spirit. Spending so much time with Chuck, being his teacher and helping him all the time, has brought him down. He hopes that Chuck stops his world on his vison quest and comes back more together.
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Later that night, back at camp, he’s able to be really open and close with the folks here. He realizes that Chuck has been holding him back with them too. He has felt always this need to focus upon Chuck whenever he’s around.

Suddenly, there’s thunder and lightning with rain and hail. In the middle of the storm, Chuck strides into camp, looking like the storm god himself. Chuck’s very high and gives him a great bear hug, thanking him for being so patient with him and for leading him to the mountains, says he can take it from here. Looking at Chuck, he knows that he can.

He remembers what Wanderer had told him, about not letting others follow him onto the road, about how they would hold him back. He sees now that they have been hanging onto Abby and Chuck as much as Abby and Chuck have been hanging onto them. He’s glad he brought Chuck this far – he owed it to him – yet he’s glad he’s on his own now.

They’re leaving tomorrow, early in the morning, traveling on.