Chapter 15 – Utah

On the Road Again

They’re on the road again. It took them two days, driving in the middle of a snowstorm, to get out of Yosemite and over Tioga Pass. Last night they had to stop at White Wolf on the way to the pass. Early this morning, they finally went over it. God, this world is beautiful!

They’re finally free of old attachments, except of course for each other. They’re ready for the new. Tomorrow they’ll leave California. Today they stop for the night off the road a ways, among some Juniper and Pinion trees. They’re going to sleep outside tonight. He feels very high and free as a bird. He can go anywhere, be anyone.

He dreams that he’s back in Berkeley, riding his bike. He gets an ice cream cone and then rides back to the Avenue. He also builds this temporary structure that’s part of a larger permanent one. He does a very good job. He’s proud of his work, and, when the others return, they are too.
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They’re heading towards Las Vegas now. They expect to be there tomorrow in the morning and then on to the Valley of Fire. It’s cloudy and cool this morning. It was nice to wake up out of doors.

He feels as if he’s riding his bike now, free as a young kid, concerned only for having a good time. He can see that the trip he has put together now in his life may be only temporary, but it’s still well built and part of something larger and more permanent. He’s going to have a good time on this trip to the East Coast and back, and he will be building something important while doing so.
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After a long and monotonous drive, they pull into Las Vegas in the evening, just as it’s becoming dark. Las Vegas is too much for them after the long quiet of the mountains and desert. It’s very hot here too, probably because of all the air conditioners. They park and walk around for a while but soon decide to leave and find some peace and quiet.

They find the Valley of Fire easily, even in the dark. Sylvie splits on them again, is hiding somewhere in the rocks. He has had it with animals running off. Even Karen’s upset and thinking of going on without her.

They realize though, that there’s no water here. Sylvie would probably die if they left her here. They decide to stay another day, see if they can find her and at least get her to a better place if she doesn’t want to be with them anymore.

Of course, she finally does come back to them, and they’re all happy and loving with her. In the morning the three of them head to Zion National Park – another long, hot haul through the desert.
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Sylvie Becomes a Mormon

They’re heading through the baking hot desert towards Zion National Park now, hoping to find some coolness in the mountains. It’s another long, hot haul for their van they call Sam. They stop often to let him cool down. They’re not the only ones. They see dozens of cars pulled off the road.
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They finally make it to Zion, late in the evening. They’re told that they have to pay for camping. They should have known better. They’re bummed and decide to go on in the morning or else maybe backpack in somewhere here. Backpacking is free. If they do go on, they’ll head for the Kaibab National Forest on the north rim of the Grand Canyon.

It’s okay here in Zion. They’re camping next to a pleasant, meandering creek. The folks around them are relaxed and enjoying themselves, but, as in all campgrounds, they’ve brought the city with them. It’s sure cool here though, after the heat of the road.

The next morning they decide to go on. There are too many folks in Zion for them. They’ve already done that trip in Yosemite.
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They first head for the ranger station in Fredonia, Utah, just across the border from Arizona. He read about Fredonia once in a book by Zane Grey. From reading him, he knows about the early days here when Fredonia was a town where the Arizona Mormons kept their extra wives. He wonders if they’re still doing this now.

It’s a small cow town now, with just one traffic light. Besides the ranger station, there’s a store and a gas station, some houses around. While they’re in the ranger station, Sylvie slips out Sam’s back window, through the opening that has always been way to small for her. He guesses she really wanted away, maybe wanted to be a Mormon.

They look awhile for her, but their hearts aren’t in it anymore. They both know she doesn’t want to be with them, at least not as long as they’re living in the van.

While they’re walking around, looking for her, they meet John and Mickie from Boulder. They’re traveling and camping too. Nice folks who invite them to visit them when they’re in Colorado. They’ll be in Colorado, where he was born, for his fortieth birthday!
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They finally leave without Sylvie and head south into the Kaibab National Forest. They’re both hurt by her leaving. He’s crying. His hurt is nothing compared to Karen’s though. She and Sylvie go way back.

They realize that they’ve lost their centers from Sylvie running away and from moving around so fast lately. They decide to camp on the North Rim for a few days. They have to. He’s going to stop smoking grass for a while and clean out. He wants to start afresh from here.
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Chapter 16 – Flagstaff

Death Stalks Him

After several days camping on the north rim, they feel ready to move on. He was sick soon after they arrived here, and Karen was quite depressed. They’re better now. He’s well, and she’s smiling again. They decide to head to Flagstaff next.
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Later, driving in Arizona now, they stop in the woods, just outside of Flagstaff for the night. Before going to sleep, he senses danger and feels somehow threatened. He has fantasies about meeting a man in Flagstaff who will hurt him while he’s backpacking.
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Later sleeping, he dreams that he’s in a house, like the one he lived in when he was in the Air Force in Roswell, New Mexico. A young man comes to the house, wanting to kill him. The man is crazy angry and keeps coming at him no matter what he does to stop him. He’s able to fight him off though, and is finally about to throw him out of the house. But then three uninvited guests arrive; three old ladies at the door. They look in, see them fighting still, and say, “Oh, just some kids in here” and leave.

He wakes up still half asleep and imagines that he’s driving and sees three headlights following him – thoughts of death following him into waking. Somehow he’s going to meet death in Flagstaff. But he doesn’t understand. It doesn’t feel it’s his time to die, not as body for sure.
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After eating and putting their van together, they head into town. As usual, the first place he heads to is the backpacking store. He wants to backpack while he’s here. He wants to get really high in these mountains. In the store, he talks with the man who works there, and, the man warns him of the danger to him in these mountains, sensing perhaps something in him. The man says that these are holy mountains and the spirits who live in them are very powerful.

He understands now why he has had to stop smoking grass for a while. He has always been able to maintain his old world, as long as he’s smoking. His task here and now is to die as ego, to stop his world, to let go of his fear structures and patterns and his compulsive need to organize the world rather than just being open to it as it is – in essence to let go of all that he has brought with him this far, so he can be free to go on from here.

He can’t shake the feeling that something momentous is going to happen to him here. He realizes that it was just nine months ago that he dreamt, while they were on the road then, that Ram Das would be here in Flagstaff, and here he is now, living out his inner Ram Das.
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Flagstaff Adventures

It’s their second day here in Flagstaff. Their camp is still out in the forest north of town. They have decided to stay here another day or two. Fate is knocking, in the guise of those three old ladies in his dream, the three fates, the “three uninvited guests of the I Ching (Hexagram 5, Waiting, line 6.) The I Ching advises him to “honor them, and in the end there will be good fortune.” He feels that what happens here in Flagstaff will be important for him, that fate is indeed knocking.
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They’re back into town now. He does a hit of acid and wanders around, checking things out. Later, they find a Native American store that’s run by hippies. The folks here are into Peyote and are associated with the Navajo road chiefs on the Navajo reservation. They connect to these folks and are invited to a party the next day at their place outside of town.

They decide to stay in Flagstaff for a while; to be open to what’s happening here. They’ll get involved with the folks at the store and help them by sharing what they know. They decide to stay camped in the woods for now to keep their own center there. He knows that he’s going to work with acid here in Flagstaff. He knows that he has to be alone first with acid as he was today – to center himself – before he can help anyone.

The folks in the Indian store tell him that the police will bust him for wearing his sheath knife in town. He has already been wearing it for hours now, as he has walked around in town. He hears them though, and takes if off for now.

The folks here are okay. Crow is very together. He doesn’t know about Don and Danny and Tara and Maria and the others yet. Danny needs and wants love and healing. He’s been hurt somehow.
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He and Karen haven’t been telling anyone that they’re healers since they left California. He wonders if they should tell the folks here. He thinks they should. When they don’t, he doesn’t feel his worth. He loses his center to the other folks; feeling that they have more to offer than he does.

He does have a lot to offer. He’s a healer, an acid road chief, a teacher of the I Ching, and a wanderer of the land and the road. He realizes, all at once, that that’s why he dreamt of Mike last night, to remind him of the good work that he and Mike have done together in the past, to remind him of the worth of their common profession.

It’s a new day. He’s tired but encouraged.
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Being Wanderer

He knows that, no matter how much he has progressed in his personal and spiritual development, he still has much to overcome in his life, still has much to let go of. Maybe this is what his death dreams and premonitions are pointing to. Maybe he has come to another time of great change in his life.

He knows that he has to overcome his fear of the Earth, especially of being dirty. He knows this from camping out in the woods. He’s still too uptight about good and honest dirt. But maybe he’s just like a cat. Maybe it’s just his cat nature, although sometimes it does get out of hand.

He also has to overcome his fear of not having any structure in his life or in the world. He’s always trying to figure out what’s going on and what everything means. A lot of the time he becomes stuck in the almost imaginary world of his own clarity. But when he does get really high, he sees that his clarity actually keeps him from seeing the wonder of the world, from seeing it as it truly is.

He has to accept that the world is a mystery that cannot be explained or understood, a mystery that can only be lived through, with or without awareness. He has to get on with living. He has to get out of his head and the illusory world that it has created. He has to live in the world as it is. He has to live within the mystery.

He has to give up living unconsciously, as he has seen many of his old friends do. He has seen them afraid to create their own reality, yet he has done the same. He too has lived within the laws of man. Now he has to let the deep and abiding laws of the universe live him. Now he has to follow the Tao, the Way of the World. Only then can he be whole.
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“How can I do this, Wanderer?”

“Be Wanderer yourself, let go of all else. Forget who you once were. There is no other act you can do that requires the courage necessary to defeat your fear of Spirit. Take my name. Be my living flame.”

He hears this, stunned. He never expected this. This is the death coming to him. He’s being asked to let go of his name and his identity, to let go of all that it has meant to him and to others. He’s being asked to introduce himself now as Wanderer. He feels the burden of the name. He holds back, afraid to do as Wanderer asks.

Only later does he see again the three old ladies at the door, hear them say again, “oh, just kids in here,” as they leave.
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Flagstaff Party

Crow and the other folks that they met at their store yesterday live south of town, out in the county. He and Karen and a few others come early to get centered and calm so they can do acid for the party. He doesn’t want to drop in the middle of a party. He wants to watch it grow and evolve.

There’s a sad note. Their store was ripped off last night for eight thousand dollars. Crow has insurance, but it’s still a major bummer. He hopes they don’t think that he and Karen did it – not knowing them and them being from out of town – but then he sees that the party’s too happy for that kind of negative head trip.

The folks here have all been working hard to create and maintain a group head, a high family. He wants to help them. Karen says that he tries too hard, tells him to relax, to just be here and enjoy what these folks have done by themselves.
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Danny seeks him out, and they talk for a while. Danny’s doing acid too. He says how, when he went home to Texas last year, he freaked his parents out, and they had him committed for a while. He says he lost his confidence in himself when he was in the asylum. He started seeing himself through their eyes. He says he’s still shaky but feels better now that he’s back here in Arizona. He has good friends here, and they think he’s all right.

Listening to Danny, he knows how he would feel if he had gotten locked up, as he has always feared, given weird drugs, and made to feel bad about himself. He would be way of center and not at all sure of himself either.

He wants to help Danny, but he can’t tell Danny what he should do. He certainly can’t tell him to do what he has done to regain his own center and his own confidence. He doesn’t think that Danny could go off into wilderness and be alone with himself. He doesn’t think that Danny could slow down enough to face himself. Not now anyway.

He knows he can’t do it for him. He remembers Chuck and realizes that he doesn’t want to focus on helping another person now anyway. This only brings him down. He finally tell Danny that he has to trust himself and his friends and that yes he does look scared and off balance, but basically he’s okay. Danny hears him and relaxes for now.
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He turns from Danny finally, when they’re finished talking, and here are Larry and Mary, a young couple who have just arrived at the party. Perhaps they recognize his acid high, perhaps it’s destiny, He doesn’t know, but at that moment his luck changes and Flagstaff begins to be really interesting.