Chapter 17 – A Change of Direction

Larry and Mary

Crow’s party really begins for him when Larry and Mary show up. They are very open and high folks. After they have talked together for a while, Mary invites them to her place tomorrow for a visit. She says they’ll like it better there.
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Later, when the party winds down, they drive back to their camp in the woods to regain their centers. The bit of acid high he’s still feeling really likes it better out here in the woods, always has, always will.
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Next day, in the early afternoon, they visit with Larry and Mary. It’s wonderful. They’re into acid too. Talking about it, they realize that all four of them use it in the same way, to connect to their inner teacher. They all feel easy with each other, as if they’ve known each other for a long while.

After talking for a while, they decide to go on an overnight into the mountains the next day. Larry and Mary want to do acid with them there. They also want to get some acid from him for themselves and their friends.
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The mountains here are different than those in the Sierras. Everything’s different, the trees, the rocks, even the light in the sky. It’s home though. He thinks of all the warnings he has had about danger coming to him in these mountains. He wonders.

On the hike in, he’s still worried some about their van. Sam made it up to here but he had some trouble on the way. His timing is probably off. That’s what he and Karen are thinking. They hope he’ll be all right.

They only pack in a few miles. They stop in a nice open meadow with a little creek running merrily down the middle. Larry and Mary say they should camp here and then hike above, closer to the peaks, for the day.
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After they set up camp, they all do some acid and begin hiking up the trail towards the Peaks. He and Larry are enjoying stretching their legs and soon are way ahead of Karen and Mary. He and Larry are like kids together. It’s uncanny. They don’t talk about it, don’t say, “let’s be kids together,” they just are. They climb trees, climb the rock faces, anything that’s fun and challenging.

They keep on walking too, and talking some as they walk. Soon they’re close to the Peaks, looming over them. Because of all the warnings he has received, he’s not tempted to go any further today, and so they start back down to meet the women.
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He would really like to stay here in Flagstaff. He feels very close with both Larry and Mary. They’re good folks. He would like to explore these mountains more too, climb to the Peaks and meet with the spirits there. But it’s time to go on. Ron’s waiting in New Mexico, and he wants to be in Colorado for his birthday.
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Realizations from Here

It’s already June, his birth month. He’s sad at having to leave his new friends behind in Flagstaff, but he’s happy with himself, with whom he has become.

After a long drive through eastern Arizona, on back roads as usual, they find a place to camp near Stoneman Lake. He’s feeling even more sad now, and lonely too. He misses Larry. He needs men friends. It’s too much to always be with Karen, especially day after day in the confines of their van.

He’s flashing back to his dreams – of the three uninvited guests arriving, the three old woman, the fates, and of the three headlights behind him as he drives. Something heavy is coming his way. He has to remember that whatever the fates have to give him, if he honors it, he’ll have “good fortune.”

Exactly nine months ago yesterday, on their trip through here last winter, he dreamt that Ram Dass was going to be in Flagstaff, teaching now. He was pregnant then with meaning, with future potential. Now he’s being reborn. And like Richard Alpert, he’s a wandering teacher of the Tao. He won’t ever be alone as long as he follows and teaches the Way. There will always be a Chuck or a Larry to be the “useful servant,” to help him on his way.
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The next day they drive on, along lonely back roads, not seeing another car for hours, Sam slowly eating up the miles. They’re up on the Tonto Rim now. He has read so much about this place! Robbers’ roosts and all from the wild, old days. Suddenly, there’s thunder and lightning and sheets of rain coming down. They decide to keep on going, past the storm, maybe even into New Mexico today.
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He and Karen fought again last night. It was different in one respect; it didn’t hurt him as it has before. He no longer needs her for validation. She’s not his only validation now. He’s done with being scared that she won’t like him. How could she not? What she doesn’t like is his newfound independence. This is probably why she was so closed to Chuck and was in such a hurry for him to leave Flagstaff and Larry behind.
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It feels heavy in the van between them as they leave reality further and further behind – two people not sure why they’re traveling together, when they each really want to go in a different direction.
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LSD and Meditation

He dreams about driving around like crazy in the city. He’s chasing after someone. Or maybe someone is chasing after him.

He dreams about a man who goes out into this mountain meadow and runs around in circles. No one stops him, not even the rangers, and, after awhile, he drops dead from exhaustion.

He dreams that he drops two hits of acid early in the morning, then goes back to sleep. He doesn’t come on to the acid. He thinks that he will if he drops one more hit now that he’s awake.

He dreams that he’s at this breakfast prepared by these Zen meditator folks. The table before him is laden with all sorts of food. The man in charge here is telling him that this table so laden with the food is here every morning, all and everything that anyone would ever want to eat. The man says that everyone who comes helps to prepare it.

He listens to the man. He likes the idea and the food he sees there, but he tells the man that he’s not going to get up early every morning to sit Zazen with others. The man hears him and says that he would have to do so in order to eat with them. The man adds that he would enjoy it.
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His dreams are telling him something that he doesn’t want to hear – that he’s running around in circles in his life and in his attempts to grow and be more conscious. He’s going nowhere and just exhausting himself. His dreams are telling him that he won’t wake up by acid alone, no matter what he might think, but that if he were to wake up early each morning and meditate with others, he would receive all and everything he would ever want for his spiritual nourishment.

His dreams are telling him that if he truly seeks spiritual nourishment, if he really wants to be high, and not just when he’s tripping, he would do better meditating with others than he’s doing now alone with medicines.
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Now he can see why he had that other dream back in Flagstaff, the one of those Japanese folks coming to help him. He didn’t understand it then. Zen comes from Japan. Some part of him wants him to go on, to leave his medicines behind and focus instead of meditation. Richard Alpert started out doing acid but has since become a Buddhist, has come to see the necessity of a spiritual discipline.

He understands all this but he’s not Japanese. He wants to find his own way to Spirit. He wants to help create a way that is uniquely his, that follows naturally from himself. He does hear his dream, and he’ll begin to meditate every day, but he’ll also continue doing grass and acid.
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Chapter 18 – In the Gila National Forest

Ron and His Burro

When he was driving yesterday he felt tired and discouraged. His eye was twitching, his tooth was hurting, and his stomach was aching. He has been feeling the same today. What is he doing, traveling east with Karen?

He’s looking forward to getting out of the van and being with someone besides her. He’s looking forward to Ron and to another outdoor adventure with a brother – if they can find him. All they know is that Ron is somewhere in the Apache National Forest, somewhere south of Reserve.
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In Reserve they ask around and hear that Ron is actually in town, has just gotten here from his camp in the woods. They soon find him, and they all go to their favorite Mexican restaurant for one last meal before they have to eat their own cooking again. Ron’s different now, more insecure and grabby. He has had a hard time somehow since they were with him at the hot springs last January. He’s not sure he wants to backpack with him now.

He asks the I Ching and receives the Hexagram Youthful Folly changing to Increase. He’s being told that Ron is a young fool and he should wait until Ron asks for help. But if Ron does, he should be here for him. He decides he’ll backpack with him and help him if he can – if he asks.

The next day they all drive south, past Mogollon where some folks are shooting a western movie, to where Ron is camped at a trailhead. His burro is tied to a nearby tree. Ron sure trusts people. He tells them that he used to have two burros. He looks at them kind of funny as he says this.
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Later that night in camp, after a shared meal between them, Ron tells him and Karen the story of his other burro. He tells them that he was hiking on a high ridge with both of his burros, when the other one balked and wouldn’t go on. But that wasn’t enough for the burro. Next he had to break the tie straps and throw his load far down into the canyon below.

Ron gives them that funny look again and then tells them that, at this point, he was so angry, he couldn’t see straight. He says that he pulled out his rifle and shot the burro between the eyes, then shoved him off the trail.

He sees that Ron is very worried about how they’ll take this. He sees that Ron feels really bad about it himself. He sees that Ron needs healing. He figures this is why they’re here for him. He tells Ron that he wasn’t here so he can’t say whether Ron should have done what he did or not. He adds though that he can understand how badly he must feel about it now. Ron suddenly looks ten years younger, as if he can breathe freely again.
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Vision Quest

They camp in an interesting spot. It’s close to a crossing of four trails, each one going off in one of the four cardinal directions. He decides that he’ll take a different trail each day. He’ll make a ritual of it. He’s going to vision quest while he’s here. Perhaps he’ll take Ron on one too and help him to overcome his fear.

They have their camp together now, with their new tent up and all. Last night they slept outside, getting here at twilight. He’s relaxing this morning – sewing his pants, cleaning his sleeping bag, gathering firewood, and all these satisfying camp chores. Ron’s cooking tonight.
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He just dropped a hit of acid. There’s no water at their camp, so he takes their empty containers and goes for a long hike. He takes the trail heading east to Iron Creek, where he washes himself and his clothes. He sees real gold in the creek. It’s not important to him though, just a weird trip humans have been on for thousands of years. Acid’s much more important, much more valuable. Not only can it be used for trade, as gold can, but you can also eat it and become high.

From here he can see that he has been scared on the road, sees that he still is. The Whiteman ego dies hard in him, being afraid to let go, afraid things won’t go right. The Native American in him has to live though. He wonders who he’ll be when he leaves here. He’s doing his own Sundance here, a four-day vision quest. He may ask Ron to join him. He feels that he can let go here as he couldn’t in Flagstaff.

He’s realizing that he can be whoever he wants and have whatever he wants. All that he is and wants is along his path. This is the way the universe works when folks reach a certain level. He’s set for this sort of life, free to travel around and share his knowledge and wisdom. By giving himself over to Wanderer, He’s becoming himself.

Ron has shown him how to get along with folks who are really different than himself. He has learned a lot watching Ron with the folks in Reserve and here in these mountains. Everyone here thinks highly of him. He can show Ron something too – how to be in touch with his body. Ron’s way spaced out now in his head. The two of them can help each other, a fair trade.
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He read recently somewhere about the “rites of sacrifice being carried out in the meadow.” He thinks of his dream of the man running around in circles, then dying in the meadow. Maybe he’s sacrificing himself as ego on the alter of life, maybe he is becoming Wanderer.
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Becoming the Master

He’s becoming clearer and stronger each day here from being out of doors and in the high mountains. He’s feeling very good.

Ron’s really tight and controlling – afraid. Ron’s very difficult for him and for Karen too. When he’s with Ron, he tends to take on his negative energy.
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From reading Hara – “How does one set about becoming a master?”
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“Just by letting the master who is in us come out.”
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He has been running around in circles, trying to be more conscious, and only killing himself. He’s conscious enough. It’s time to let go, to let the master who is in him come out, to be Wanderer.

The great secret is that each of us has an inner teacher, the mature and wise person within each of us, who we are in our true beings, when we are without our little egos. Following our teacher, we empty ourselves and let our teacher fill us.

He has followed Wanderer. Now he is becoming Wanderer.

Today, he walks a long ways to the west, then return to the lake, where he meditates alone at sunset. All day he has been hearing thunder off in the distance. It’s coming closer now. His Medicine of the West is Thunder. He learned this last spring too. Yesterday he learned that his Medicine of the East is Wind. Thunder is his father. Wind is his mother.
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Later, back in camp. He finds himself taking on Ron’s negative fear energy again. Just like Ron, he wants too much chocolate, is too concerned with having Karen’s attention, and finds himself becoming angry easily just from losing a chess game – all symptoms of fear not dealt with. He doesn’t want to take all this on for Ron, but, if he has to, he hopes he can heal him of it.

He and Ron have been playing chess, and they’ve both been caught up in their little egos, each really trying to beat the other. Each of them gets upset if they lose a game. They would have played better chess if they hadn’t been so afraid of losing.

It’s the same in life. We play life better if we’re beyond winning or losing. The I Ching says this. The Buddhists do too. So does Don Juan. It’s just letting go of our little egos.
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Now, when he goes off by himself, as he did earlier today, and as he’s doing now, He easily finds his center and becomes slow and calm again, deeper, listening to the sounds of the world.
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Attention

He wakes up fllled with fear. When he gets up, he’s worrying and hurrying all over camp. He knows that it’s Ron’s fear, maybe some of it is Karen’s too – her fear of him not going on to the East Coast with her. With all this fear around, it’s hard for him to slow down and just be.
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A bit later, he and Ron each drop a couple hits of acid. He can feel, almost taste, Ron’s fear now. He realizes that if he’s going to be with Ron at all today, he has to get him walking and into his body. He hears Thunder in the west, hears Wind whistling through the trees. He’s ready for the day.

He and Ron head north. After they’ve walked far enough, he heads off by himself, to be alone for a while. Ron’s okay for now, and he needs to reflect upon himself. Ron has been a mirror for him. He can see himself in Ron. Otherwise he wouldn’t have to take on his shit for him.
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Alone, he slows down and centers himself. He breaks through! Thunder is his father, Wind is his mother, and Wanderer is his teacher. He realizes that he’s a child still, the little boy he always was. People wanted him to grow up, so he did, because he was afraid of them. He won’t grow up this time. He’ll stay the child he is, yet stay also the man he has become. He realizes that he doesn’t have to do anything that he doesn’t want. It won’t be asked of him. Nothing is being asked of him. No one’s asking. He’s free. He doesn’t have to give. He can be alone. He can just be himself.

He makes friends with a fly by giving her his attention. She hangs out on his hand, lets him touch her with his finger. All animals want our attention, need it, but are afraid of us. People want our attention too but are afraid of asking. From reading Hara, he understands that he can get attention from himself too, from his own Hara, from the consciousness at that center. He can get attention also from the Wind and from the Thunder. When he has enough, then he can give
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He meets up with Ron later, at Iron Creek. They sit together watching the sunset before heading back to camp. Ron’s quiet and glowing some, enjoying the medicine. Ron definitely is a mirror for him. Ron’s that scared little ego side of himself who needs attention, who is mother dependent, oral, and who needs to be boss and have his way. Ron’s that side of himself that he has been trying to outgrow and leave behind.

He’s able to be with Ron now, without Ron’s feelings taking him over. The secret is attention. By being alone much of today, he gave himself a great deal of attention and received more from the world. Tonight he has more than he needs, so he’s able to give enough to Ron.
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Rainmaker

Today is his fourth day of vision questing here in the forest. He has been to the east, to the west, and to the north already. A raven just circled their camp, then headed south. He’ll drop acid and follow the raven. He’ll become Wanderer today.

He’ll be alone. Ron wants to digest all that happened to him yesterday. Karen is taking down their camp now and packing it out to the trailhead. He’ll meet up with her and Ron down there later. They’ll camp there tonight, and then in the morning they’ll be on their way east again.
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Today, he wants to come down to earth. He believes that he’s as free of ego as he can be – without personal history, without old karma, without old trips. He’s done with being up in the air, in his thoughts always. He wants to come down to earth, to body, to being in the world. He wants to be done with worrying about who he is. He just wants to be.

The false self, with all its limiting thoughts – this persona that he has created over the years to protect his little ego – is in the way now. It has to go now to make room for the real man, a man who is mature and loving and worthy to live this life.

He wants a new name. His father is Thunder. His mother is Wind. Who is he? Today he’ll find out. He was too scared to call himself Wanderer. He was afraid that he would sound too presumptuous when he gave out Wanderer as his name.

The world around him has slowed down and has become still. There will be rain soon. Maybe he is Rain, son of Thunder and Wind. He asks for a sign. As he asks, the first drops of rain come down to anoint him. He is Rain. He knows this now.

He heads back to their old camp where he has left his pack, to cover it from the rain. At his pack, he stands here in the rain, facing in turn each of the four directions. He salutes Thunder in the west, Wind in the east, Wanderer in the north, He salutes the rain and himself to the south. He cries out his new name aloud.

Only, somehow he cries out his old name instead of Rain. At first he’s bummed by this, feeling that he has betrayed himself and is still too frightened to let go of his old name and accept the new. Then he understands that there’s nothing he needs to sacrifice. He doesn’t have to change his name. He just has more than one name now. When he stops trying to change, then he can change.

Trying so hard for a new name, he almost missed what was being given to him. He has learned that he is a rainmaker. He brings the rain. He can call himself Rain if he chooses, but it’s not at all important. What is important is his kinship with the weather – with thunder and wind and rain. He is a rainmaker!