Chapter 25 – East Coast Blues

Copping to Acid

At Karen’s parents’ place, her mother takes him aside the first day they’re here and tells him that she knows he turned her daughter onto LSD. He’s flabbergasted.

He tells her the truth. He tells her that Karen called him up one day and invited him down to her place in Venice. Once he was there, she asked him if he wanted to do some acid with her. He said yes and had a wonderful time. He tells her that he has never regretted it and will always be grateful to Karen for wanting to do acid with him then.

Now it’s her turn to be flabbergasted. At first, she doesn’t want to believe him. For some mother-in-law reason, she already doesn’t like him and wants him to agree with her expectations. However, Karen hears them talking from the other room and comes in. She tells her mother that everything he has said is true.

They both tell her that it has been one of the most important and meaningful things they’ve done in their lives. They tell her that they still use it and probably always will. Karen’s mother doesn’t want to hear this, but she did bring it up. She still wants to make him the villain in her movie, but he won’t play.

Afterwards, thinking about their conversation – as unsatisfactory as it was – he realizes that it still took a burden off both him and Karen to be honest about their use and love of acid. He decides to write his parents a letter, telling them the same. Here’s what he said:

Karen and I are with her parents in Virginia. The subject of marijuana and LSD came up in conversation. I wanted to give them my views on the subject. I realized though, that I want to share them first with both of you.

I’ve been smoking marijuana for over fifteen years now and using LSD for over five. I like both of them very much. Both have taught me a great deal about myself and about life. I’m a better person for having used them.

People have used various plants and chemicals to change their consciousness ever since we began as hunters and gatherers, hundreds of thousands of years ago. Most have experienced this changed consciousness as being of a holy or spiritual quality.

Ten years ago, LSD was legal and respected and used extensively in psychological research and therapy. At that time I was asked to be in a LSD research project. I refused then because I was too frightened. It wasn’t until five years ago that I became brave enough to finally try it.

I was immediately impressed with how much I could learn about consciousness while I was using LSD. As a trained research scientist and psychotherapist, I saw enormous possibilities for important and exciting explorations into the psyche, into healing ways.

However, soon after this, LSD became illegal. All research and all therapies that used it were stopped. At first I continued to use it in private but not in my healing work. But then I decided finally, a year ago last April, soon after I moved up to Berkeley, to devote all my energies to exploring my own and others’ consciousness and to use LSD in my healing work, even if it were still illegal.

Many great discoveries and important inventions were first greeting with fear and skepticism by the general public. Electricity is one such example. At first, it was thought to come from the devil himself. Also, at times people have been persecuted and hounded, killed even, for their religious beliefs. The persecution of the early Christians is one such example of this.

Today, people are persecuted who view LSD as an extremely important tool, one that mankind has urgent need of at this present time – for both research and healing. Today, people are persecuted who use LSD as a holy sacrament, as a means of achieving communion with God, and through God with all life.

I’ve been afraid to share any of this with you. It’s been difficult for me to believe the world is different than I thought. The world is different though. I’ve seen, for example, that folks can be unafraid of one another and can live a life of love.

I’m going to continue using marijuana and LSD. They are the main thrust of my work of exploring consciousness. This is important work, and not just for me. I don’t ask you to see this as I do. I just hope you will give me encouragement in my life and in my work. I love each of you and want each of you to love me.

The next day he mails this letter to them. He can see that, by actually writing them, he has been freed of ego and of an inner defensiveness concerning grass and acid that he hasn’t even known he had.

Confronting his parents directly, he no longer has to carry the split within himself. Now, he’s in opposition to his parents, but he’s no longer in opposition to himself. He and his parents will either work it out or not, but whatever happens, he’s free of this split from now on. He can already feel the lessening of his defensiveness. He has been more open with Karen’s parents today, more able to be in the here and now too.
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It Gets Better

Abby’s back east now too, visiting her parents in Connecticut, staying with her father for a while in the big old house that she grew up in. They’re excited to see her again, haven’t seen her since she left them at Dinky last May and headed back to Berkeley, while they went on and eventually ended up here. It’ll be wonderful to be with someone unafraid and conscious again, someone who doesn’t think he’s crazy and sick as Karen’s parents did.
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They drive through New York State on their way to Connecticut and, at a rest area; they talk with some hippies who tell them about the new and very harsh drug laws in the state. The hippies warn them to be very careful while they’re here. They’re not too concerned; they’re just passing through – although they are aware that they look like acid hippies and have both grass and acid with them the van.

Soon though, they’re in Connecticut and out of the paranoid zone. They pass through one quaint little village after another, all so clean and neat. Karen tells him that all these little towns are bedroom communities, housing folks who work in New York City in the day and come back at night to see the kids, eat, fuck their mates, and sleep.
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They finally come to the small village where Abby grew up. They find her family home, a mansion really; at least that’s how it looks to him. It’s three stories tall, with an attic and a basement too, as well as room after room on each floor. He has never been inside a house this large. It brings it home to him how some have so much more than others.

Abby’s dad is cold and aloof but doesn’t hassle them. He’s a big-time surgeon and is very paranoid about germs. He’s totally obsessive-compulsive, even has an autoclave for sterilizing the dishes in the kitchen and insists on everyone using it.

Abby’s mother, on the other hand, is living in town with a black musician, is into alcohol and downer type drugs, and is living wild. Abby certainly inherited a radical split from her parents. It’ll be interesting watching how she puts her uptight father side together with her unconscious and wildly acting out mother side.
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It’s feels really good to be here with one of their gang. He can’t stop sneezing though. His body has finally broken down from all the stress of the past week or so. He’s finally slowing down here though. He’s ready, more than ready really, to head west soon – ready to put on his sheath knife again, ready to backpack, to do acid, and to party with his friends.
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Fear and Anger

When Abby and Karen decide to go into Manhattan for the day, he decides to go along for the experience. They take Abby’s car, leaving behind their stash and Sam, their way too obvious hippie van. However, he does carry his personal acid and enough grass for the day, just as he always has.

Once they’re in the city, they wander around for the day. It’s incredible and blows him away. LA is a big city too, but it’s all sprawled out. Manhattan, however, is very compact, with each building trying to be taller than its neighbor, like trees competing for sunlight.

He has never seen so many people – and so many different kinds of people too – all walking on the sidewalks together, side by side. He has never seen so many little food shops either, dozens to a block and each serving something different.

He has always smoked whenever and wherever he has wanted and today is not going to be any different, in spite of everyone’s fear. He has his pipe already filled and lights it as he walks among the crowd. He takes a hit and then holds in the smoke until there’s an opening in the wall of people coming his way. Then he exhales. He does this several more times and gets really high.

Maybe he shouldn’t have smoked. He begins to feel very uptight, and soon he’s nearly overwhelmed by all the negative energy in the air, by all the fear and anger surrounding him like a second and more subtle atmosphere.
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Later, back at Abby’s in Connecticut, he begins to understand what he was feeling in the city. The gap between the haves and the have-nots in New York City is very extreme. The haves are afraid because in their heart of hearts they know they have too much, much more than their share. They do know that so many have so little, but they just don’t care. Therefore they’re always afraid of being ripped off and are polluting the city’s vibes with their fear.

The have-nots see the few rich folks with way too much money and things. Then they look at their own lives. They can see the difference. They’re very angry for not having their rightful share of the world, angry that the rich don’t even care.

The solution for all this has to be spiritual, a return to the ways of Spirit – with everyone renouncing material wealth that can never take the place of Spirit anyway, with everyone renouncing having more than his or her share so that others may have theirs.
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After Seven Years

Back in September of 1966, his old friend, Stan, turned him onto the I Ching. At that time, he asked the book what his relationship would be with it. He received the Hexagram Deliverance, which changed to the Hexagram Approach.

Deliverance speaks of moving out of danger and of the release of tension that happens then. With the I Ching’s help, he has been working to move beyond fear – by developing his clarity and by seeing what he needs for his life and how to acquire it.

Approach speaks of a high being who is open and willing to teach others. He feels privileged that this holy book has opened up its wisdom to him and has been willing to teach him how to be clear and unafraid.

Since Stan turned him onto theI Ching, he has worked full time to conquer fear and become a man of knowledge. Last night, in a dream, a voice told him that he could conquer fear easily now, that he is very close to doing so. The voice said that fear doesn’t exist in the here and now; therefore if he does not let his thoughts go beyond his present situation, he will no longer experience fear.
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Again it’s early September, as it was that day when he first asked the I Ching about his relationship with it, seven years ago today. Seven years is a complete cycle, a Saturn cycle, and a complete turn of the wheel. Now he wants to know about the next seven years.

He usually uses coins, but today he decides to use his yarrow stalks, the ones he picked in the apple orchards last fall. He asks: “After seven full years together, a complete cycle – what will my relationship be with you for the next seven years?”

The book answers with the Hexagram Providing Nourishment, changing to the Hexagram Return. The Hexagram Providing Nourishment says that Spirit “fosters and takes care of superior men, in order to take care of all men through them.” It goes on to describe “a sage of the highest order, from whom emanate all influences that provide nourishment for others.”

The Hexagram Return speaks of the cyclic nature of change; saying that, “All movements are accomplished in six stages, and the seventh brings return.” Return also speaks of the return of the light of consciousness, on both the individual and on the collective level.

The book is again describing itself; also perhaps his potential if he continues to follow its way. It’s telling him that if he continues in the Tao, becoming a sage himself and providing spiritual nourishment for others, Spirit will take care of and provide for him.
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Heading West

They spend another day with Abby. They even see her mother, who’s quite a character. They’re eager to return to the west though, and they’ll see Abby again when they get back to Berkeley.

They head up to Cambridge the next day, planning to go on out to Marblehead afterwards to see the Atlantic Ocean before they turn Sam west. He remembers that Pamela’s family had a cottage on a lake near Marblehead.
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Their second night in Cambridge, they’re rousted for sleeping in Sam on the streets. That’s the final straw. They’ve been to all the bookstores, walked all over the campus, and seen way too many people. He’s sick of cities – the whole East Coast is one big one! He’s ready to head on.

They drive up to Marblehead in the evening now and camp by the ocean. In the morning, they wake up early, and there’s the sun coming up over the ocean. He’s disoriented at first, being used to the West Coast where the sun sets over the ocean. Although he knows better, he keeps thinking that it’s evening.

They spend the day walking on the beach. He can always calm out, walking besides the waves coming in, each with a different message but all saying something to anyone with ears. He realizes that he has completed the challenge of coming east. He has survived. He relaxes some, knowing that the worst is over and that they’re heading home now.
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They eat the traditional fried clams and fries at a nearby stand as the sun begins to set in the west. Then they look at one another, take a deep breath, and decide it’s time to leave the East Coast. They pile into Sam and begin the long drive home. He hears a ticking sound in Sam’s engine. He’s worried, but he can’t do anything about it now except pray and remember that each mile they drive west is one more mile closer to home.

Miles down the road, before they get very far at all, he become very sick to his stomach. “It must be those clams,” he says, although Karen ate them too and isn’t sick at all. He stops the car, hurries to the nearby bushes, and throws up again and again.

As he’s kneeling here, gagging and retching, he’s feeling again everything he has felt and has had to hold in these past few weeks here in the East. He feels all the incredible fear and pain and hurt, not just his, but all that he has taken on by being as open as he is. He feels especially the pain in Karen’s family and wishes them well. He lets go of it all so that he can go on. Now Sam will probably make it home, not having to carry all that negative shit for him anymore.
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He stops and throws up four more times before he’s emptied of all the shit he took on here in the East, before he’s somewhat himself again. Driving through Vermont helps. It reminds him of home. They even meet and talk with some nice folks at a small general store on one of Vermont’s back roads.
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Chapter 26 – At the Orchard

Apple Picking in Idaho

When they hit Idaho, he knows they have reached the West. They stop at a campground, just after crossing over into Idaho, and he drops acid to walk high in nature again. They decide to stay here for a day or two and mellow out before going on. While they’re here at the campground, they meet some nice folks. These folks are traveling hippies too.

They’re heading next to Emmett, Idaho, on the other side of the state. There’s an apple orchard there, one that’s supposed to have good picking and nice folks.

After a few more days of mellowing out, they go on, and soon they’re in Boise, stocking up. There’s a good natural foods store here. When they mention to the folks there that they’re thinking of picking apples in Emmett, they say it’s a good place with good folks.
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When they drive over the ridge, and he can see Emmett and the farms that surround the town below them, he has an uncanny feeling. He knows this day, knows what will happen next and all. He knows it somehow from his past.

The orchard is everything folks have told them – plenty of easy picking from trees well pruned. The folks here are very nice, especially Richard and Diane and their kids who live here in a school bus. They’ve spent most of the year here, helping with the farm.

He would rather not have to pick apples. He would rather be the wandering sage who turns folks onto their own inner teachers. He doesn’t like to sell his time for money. He likes to be free for whatever comes his way.

In spite of all this, he decides to pick for a while. It’s nice here, under beautiful fall weather. They have their van parked in a cozy spot in the orchard under some already picked trees. Some folks are camped nearby in their tipi.
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After several days, they’ve made almost a hundred dollars, but he’s still sneezing a lot. He may do acid here to stop it. Last night, he dreamt of Chuck and Berkeley. He knows that he would rather be on his way home now.

He wonders about his sneezing. He remembers when he last worked for his dad, when he was still in college. He started sneezing like this then, all the time, whenever he worked for him. He wonders if he’s doing this to himself out of an unconscious aversion to physical work. Or maybe he’s allergic to physical work. He has certainly already done more than his share in his life.
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Karen Finally Shares

They’re on the last leg of their journey that began in Berkeley last April and took them through the Southwest and then all the way to the East Coast and back again. They’ve been on the road for six months or so. Their van Sam is on his last legs but valiantly keeps trucking. They’re in Emmett, Idaho, at Jack’s orchards. They’ve been picking for several days now. Karen seems preoccupied.

He has been feeling, ever since they left Karen’s parents’ house, that Karen has had something on her mind. She has definitely put up a wall between them, although she has still been pleasant and even loving at times. He has asked her several times if she would like to share what’s bothering her. So far, she’s always shined him on, saying that everything is okay.
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Today, while they were eating lunch, after picking apples all morning, Karen finally shares what she has been going through. She begins by telling him that she called her old therapist Edith yesterday when she went into town for supplies.

She tells him that she has had some dreams and has been keeping them to herself until she could understand them. They have upset her, and she hasn’t known what to do. She says that talking with Edith yesterday helped her and now she’s ready to share.

She tells him she has had these four dreams, each one very powerful and clear. In her first dream, she is lovers with a young guy, in particular with Ed from Stoneybrook Farm. She tells him that she was very attracted to Ed when they were there but wasn’t his lover.

In her second dream, she’s alone in the van. He’s not there anymore. It’s all hers now and she’s enjoying the space and being alone.

In her third dream, she’s living with other women, being lovers with them even, and having nothing to do with men.

In her fourth and last dream, she stays with him and they have a daughter together.
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She tells him that each dream is a side of herself – that she does want to be lovers with younger and less complicated men. She does want to be alone. She does want to stay away from men and to live only with women. She does want to have a child with him too.

It’s obvious that she’s thinking of leaving him unless they have a child together. He listens to her, feeling the fear rise within him. He asks her what she wants to do. She says she isn’t sure yet.

He sits on his feelings for now, suggest that they pick together for the rest of the day so he can let all this sink in. He tells her that whatever happens, he’s glad she has finally shared.

He picks more apples this afternoon than ever, focused and depressed as he is, and by the end of the day, they’re both calmer and feeling much closer to each other than they have in days. They head back to the van to get stoned together and to see where they’re at now.
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Spirit

Now that they’re finished picking for the day, they eat a simple dinner at the van and then smoke together. It’s nighttime now, and they’re standing outside, looking up at the sky. He sees a new star appear, just overhead, one that hadn’t been there seconds before. Karen sees it too. After awhile it disappears, and, immediately afterwards, they see a shooting star plunge to earth.

Karen tells him that she does love him and does want to have a child with him. She says that her recent dreams, the ones that she has been keeping to herself, represent all the different sides of herself. She does want to be lovers with other men sometimes, especially with younger men. She does want to live alone in the van or else somewhere with women. She says that all this is true, but she would rather stay and have a child with him.

He’s relieved and happy to hear this. She has been so closed to him lately.
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They’ve parked Sam inside one of the barns on the farm for the night, and now they go back inside and make a nest in the hay where they found the little kittens yesterday. They know that they’re going to conceive when they make love tonight, and they want it to be special and very primal.

He’s so relieved that she isn’t leaving him that he doesn’t think about heading south to Mexico or any of his other plans that haven’t included a child. He’s too overjoyed at the chance to be a father again.

After they make love, they know they have just conceived a baby girl together. They decide to call her Juniper Berry for now.

Later, lying in bed in Sam, holding each other and planning their future together now that they are going to be parents, they each start, as a powerful presence enters the barn. They look around with their flashlights; even turn on Sam’s lights to see, but nothing is visible although they both still feel the presence. They look at one another in awe, knowing that this powerful spirit is their child. They speak to her then – thanking her for choosing them and saying they’ll do the best they can as her parents.
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So, Karen doesn’t leave him after all, and they go on with their life together. They’re really into picking apples now, what with a baby coming. They keep on picking, long after they had thought they would be gone from the orchards. But finally, the rains do come. Even then, they try for another day and manage to pick a few more bins.

The next morning, the rain is coming down steady and hard. They decide they’re done for the year. They’ve made over three hundred dollars. That’s enough for now. They’re going to head over to Portland now, and then down the Oregon coast, visiting friends here and there on their way down to Berkeley. Sam’s still chugging along, ticking sound and all. They’re going home.
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Carol and Denny

They follow the Columbia River down to the coast, to the ocean into which the sun sets, as it should. They drive slowly down the beautiful and wild Oregon coast. Carol and Denny are still living in the Coast Range. They’re going to stop there for a visit with them before going on to Berkeley and their future.

Carol and Denny lived in the canals of Venice when they did. He bought acid from Denny back in Venice in his early years – windowpane acid, what he has been calling Clear Light. About the same time that they moved to Berkeley, Carol and Denny moved up here to Oregon with their friends, G and Maria.

Carol and Denny are married. When she lived in Venice, she was a tough biker lady and had a big Honda 750. Now she’s a new mother and seems withdrawn and insecure.

Denny’s really into the salmon fishing here. The Siuslaw River runs right by his land. The river is the saving grace – they have several acres but are just off the road. Denny tells him that the rednecks here have turned him and the other hippies who have moved here onto salmon fishing in exchange for learning how to grow good grass.

Denny’s really into grass himself, grows good weed. He’s a together guy, making his living as a machinist here in his own shop, making custom exhaust systems for Hondas.

Denny’s grass is the best he has had in awhile. After getting him stoned, Denny sits him down in front of the TV set and tells him to watch it for awhile, that he’s too wild now and needs to become civilized again, especially before he goes on down to California.
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Karen is turned off to him again. When she thinks she’s pregnant, everything’s fine between them. When she thinks she’s not, she remembers her other dreams and probably wishes she were alone or with someone else. He knows too that if she isn’t pregnant this time, he’s not about to go through this again with her.

They stay here for several more days. Karen is enjoying being with her old friend. Carol and Denny are lonely and want them to come back to live with them after they’ve been to Berkeley – especially after Juniper Berry comes. They could probably stay in the little apartment over Denny’s workshop. From here, he’s not so sure. He’s really missing Berkeley now and all his acid friends there.