Chapter 31 – Acid and Healing

His Classes

He dreams that he’s at a large outdoor gathering. It’s nighttime. He’s listening to this EST type person speak. When a woman from the audience asks the speaker a question, the speaker puts her down. This turns him off, and he stops listening to the speaker. It’s all ego anyway. Instead he looks up at the night sky. He notices these dark rings connecting the few visible stars. Circles within circles – much more interesting than the unkind ego tripper on the stage.
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He’s a different sort of teacher. He’s not trying to feed egos or teach folks how to be bigger and better assholes. He has two classes now. Both are doing well. He has enough folks in each, and he’s excited and generating a lot of enthusiasm in his students. One class is on the I Ching. In it, he shares all he knows about the book’s origins and history, including what he knows of its spiritual and cultural background. He also shows his students how to consult the book as an oracle and what the hexagrams mean.

He divides all his classes into a theoretical and a practical part. In his class on the I Ching, he talks for the first hour, discussing the book on the conceptual level, and then he focuses on the practical use of it as an oracle, using a personal question that one of the students asks, a question of psychological or spiritual significance.

After the student formulates his or her question, he or she consults the book, throwing the three coins or else tossing the forty-nine yarrow stalks. Doing so, they receive an answer that involves one or two of the hexagrams. They then read these particular hexagrams together as a class, and discuss them in terms of the question asked. Usually, once the person asking the question understands the answer, he or she is more than satisfied, finding the answer helpful in his or her life.
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His other class is on consciousness and change. It has attracted some very high folks. It’s a joy to teach them. In this class, he discusses Jung and dreams, the I Ching with regard to change, grass and acid and the levels of consciousness that these medicines can take them to. He also discusses ‘craziness,’ as used by Doris Lessing and others, and magic, with special reference to Castaneda’s Don Juan.

This class has a practical part too. When they talked about Jung, they shared their dreams, and when they discussed the I Ching, they consulted it. He’s also offering two acid sessions as part of the class – one here in town, right after the last session on medicines, and one later, at Dinky next month when the class is over. Most of the folks in the class say that they are interested in both sessions.
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Acid Workshop

The first acid workshop is here in Berkeley at their house. Three of the folks from his class on consciousness have decided to come.

Ben and Bob and Jim stay on after the regular class session, and after a short debriefing, they all drop acid together. They’ve all done acid before.

Ben is a new doctor. Bob is a personnel officer for one of the bigger companies in the area. Jim is a strange fellow. He’s very tall and thin and will stand for hours in one position if they let him. He’s just out of the military and has many stories to tell. Jim can relate to what he says about ‘craziness’ much more personally than the rest.

They hang out together, quietly at first. The rest of the folks living here are either out or being quiet in their rooms. He usually doesn’t structure his own acid experience, so he does the same here, sitting quietly, waiting to see what comes.

Everyone comes on easily. No one falls into fear or any of the other holes along the way to being high. Ben and Bob want to talk too much maybe, probably as a way of dealing with their anxiety. Jim, on the other hand, is even more silent than usual.

Before they began, they all agreed to focus on the healing aspect of the experience and to share what they were each going through. Honoring this, he brings them all together every so often to share whatever’s going on. Ben shares how hard medical school has been on him and how he’s trying to decide now whether to go on with the further training necessary to become a psychiatrist. This, in large part, is why he took his class.

Bob shares how good he feels being able to work at a job that he’s very good at and in demand. He takes a good part of each year off for travel, last time for five months to the South Seas. He says he can always get his old job back, if not a better one.

Jim shares some of what has happened to him. He had what was called a psychotic break while in the navy, one much more intense than mine. He still sees and hears things all the time. He has never once been afraid of these sorts of experiences though. He just wants to understand them and see where they come from.

Later, they all come down together, smoking to make it smooth. Everyone admits it’s been somewhat scary being this close with one another but very healing and worth it. They’re all looking forward to doing it together again at Dinky.
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Acid Woods Trip

He’s back at Dinky – finally! They drove in two days ago and hiked into their camp yesterday. He hasn’t been here since last May, since just before heading out onto their cross-country road trip. And back then they were snowed out after just one day here. He’s feeling so much being here now. He has really missed Dinky. It’s raining now – nice and easy, almost pleasant.
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Bob and Ben and Jim from his class are here. Karen and Sallie and John and Ann will be here in a few days. He’s feeling close with Bob. He seems to be centered all the time and able, especially when he trips, to get very loose and open.
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It’s several days later now. They’re all going to trip together today. He’s not going to structure it very much, just enough to make sure that they all stay connected in case someone wants attention or needs help. He’s basically going to take folks through his own Medicine ritual here.

First they go to the Old One, to his very large and magical rock that lives on this side of Cow Creek, above their camp. They all sit and meditate here for awhile, becoming clear concerning what they want out of their experience today. When they are clear, they write it down and put it under a rock in front of the Old One. Later, on their way back to camp, they will look at what they have each written.

After this, they ramble on. Soon they cross the creek. It isn’t easy today – the water is the highest he has ever seen it. They’re heading to his tree. Everyone is going to find a tree nearby, under which they can sit comfortably while they come on to the acid.

First though, they all sit in a circle near his tree and drop acid. He makes sure everyone’s clear about what they’re going to do for the next few hours. He tells everyone that it would be best if they can stay by themselves, but if anyone feels a need to talk, they can come to him. He tells them that they’ll go to the big pool later for a swim. He’ll let them know when.

He sees everyone to his or her tree, telling them that the tree has high energy and awareness and that they should try to connect to it before talking with him or any of the others. Everyone’s excited and a bit awed by the beauty around them. He tells each of them that wisdom and understanding always walk with beauty\ and that if they can focus on the beauty around them, they’ll be okay.
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Later, they all head over to the pool for a swim in its icy cold waters. It’s freezing cold, but it sure grounds everyone instantly, as it has always grounded him. Afterwards they walk slowly up Dinky Creek, stopping every once in awhile to swim or to share. They spend the rest of the day rambling up the creek and then back down, finally heading back to their camp and to a warm and cozy fire.

Sitting around the fire, after a light meal, they share what they have gone through this day and what they have gotten out of it. Everyone agrees that it has been a fun and very illuminating day.
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Letting It Happen?

The next morning they share their dreams. Both Jim and Ben dream that he’s their doctor. They both want to work with him.

He dreams that he’s back in Berkeley, listening to an argument between Glen and Sharon over the respective values of letting things happen or making them happen. He’s annoyed with them because he knows that each way of being has its time and place and that sometimes it’s best to let things happen and, at other times, it’s best to make them happen. He’s annoyed with them for being so one-sided and unclear.

He made this Woods Trip happen – he organized it, got the folks to come, brought them here, and set them upon his daily medicine ritual. He let this Woods Trip happen too, especially after they arrived here – he let things flow, letting Spirit lead him, while he followed. Yesterday, although there was a loose structure on their day, they were all able to let go of their making it happen sides and flow with the day, with the acid, and with all that came to them from it.
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Making it happen comes from our masculine sides, according to Jung, or from our creative or yang sides, according to the I Ching. Letting it happen is a hallmark of our feminine sides for Jung, or of our receptive or yin sides, according to the book of changes.

Both Jung and the I Ching define these two complementary aspects in terms of personality traits. He prefers the terms, ‘making it happen’ and ‘letting it happen,’ referring as they do to our ordinary behavior, not to some invisible and intellectual construct.
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The next morning, early, he and Jim walk Bob and Ben out to the trailhead. They have to return to their work in the city. Jim is staying here with him. The other folks who are coming should be here later today. He and Jim decide to have a let it happen day, their only goal being to eventually return to their camp by dark.

He and Jim ramble around, sometimes together, sometimes by themselves. He sees that Jim already has a good feeling for the area, so he isn’t worried about him becoming lost.

At one point, they find an old and abandoned camp, the tent collapsed by the snow. Someone had to leave in a big hurry last fall, probably when the first big snows came. They left all their stuff behind in their hurry, even their packs. He and Jim decide to leave it as it is in case the owners ever return.
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Later, they walk into camp just as Karen and the other folks arrive. They let it happen, and it did.
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Crossroads

He dreams that he’s at a crossroads. He’s with an older man, a wise old wanderer whom he really likes, whom he wants to become.
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He’s feeling slower today than he has felt in awhile, more loving and mellower too. He washed his hair at the creek a bit ago and now he’s back under his tree. He just did a hit of acid.

He’s eager to be back in Berkeley now, eager for people and work and his garden and especially for Juniper Berry to come. She ought to be with them in less than a month.

He doesn’t need to push the money trip at all. People will come. All he has to do is teach his classes, see his clients, and work with his hands whenever he can. He can relax, slow down, and be at peace now. He can have a nice day, as they say. People will feel good being around him and will want to hang out and work with him.
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He has been alone, rambling about for most of this day. A while ago, he met the other folks at the pool and hung out with them. Now, he’s back at his tree, saying goodbye until next time. He’s heading home now, first rambling down to their camp this evening. Then, in the morning, he’ll hike out with the rest of the folks and drive to his home in the city. He needs only remember to stay slow. If he lets himself become speedy, he’ll lose the Tao.

He hugs his tree, sad at having to leave. A voice tells him that Jim is a special gift for him. He’s told to teach Jim all he knows. Henry Miller once wrote that if only one person believed in him, that would be enough. Jim believes in him, and that is enough. Everyone else will follow.
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He’s at a crossroads in his life now, realizing that he needs to live in both worlds – the straight world of cause and effect and of needing a dentist when his tooth hurts, and the magical world that he has discovered with acid and being alone in the mountains under his magical tree. He needs to be a whole person, both making and letting things happen in his life. If he can do this, then he’ll be able to transcend this dichotomy and become simple and whole.

He’s at a crossroads in his life now, especially with his daughter coming. He looks to the older man in his dream for guidance. He’s realizes that the man is who he will become as he grows older. He asks the older man how he can grow up to be him. The older man, who is Wanderer really, says to just continue on as he is doing, that he’s on the way.
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Chapter 32 – Insights

Birthday Acid

He dreams that he’s with a woman who’s really horny for him, who likes him a lot and wants to make love with him. He hasn’t felt this from a woman in a long while. He wants to make love with her too. He’s scared at first, but then relaxes and begins to love on her.

He knows enough from Jung to understand that his dream is telling him that some new enthusiasm within himself wants his body, wants to connect to him, and through him to life.
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He decided to do medicine by himself today for his birthday, a present to himself. Maybe he’ll meet this inner woman side of himself today on the way. “Okay beautiful woman, come out, and let me see who you are and where we’ll go together.”

He hears Janis Joplin singing, “All you ever need to do is be a good man to a good woman.” He thinks of himself and Karen. She’s still closed and has an attitude on him. He’s trying to be a good man here, but he’s not sure that she’s being the good woman.
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And then there’s fate – a guy just called about his shamanistic healing class and then Michael Starks called and invited him to a party at his place next week. Michael is another medicine brother living here in Berkeley. Doors are opening. Another guy stops by now and wants to work with him. And an old client, whom he hasn’t seen in awhile, calls and wants to comes back to see him. Someone else calls and wants him to build them a fence. And Janis is still singing.
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He’s forty-one years old today. He wonders if he can have peace in his heart without the world at peace. A voice answers, says that the world will be at peace when he is. He wonders about this.

Where is he to take his life now? The main thing is that he’s going to be a father, and very soon, within a week or two. The rest, who he is and what he’s here to do, will follow.

All he can do is play each hand as it’s dealt to him. Today, on his birthday, while tripping, he has been gifted with a party to go to, two more clients coming to see him, a carpentry job, and a possible couple to live here if Sallie and Mike don’t work out. And most importantly, his daughter is coming to him soon.
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Words and Eyes

He learned words and their uses as a young boy. He learned to take all his images and perceptions, all his feelings and thoughts, everything really, and put it all into words. He learned to think and talk as everyone else did. He became plugged into the collective head.

When he first came into the world, he already had his own way, his own “ring of power,” as Don Juan would say. He gave it all up for the collective group head. He gave it up when he first agreed not to notice anything that the collective didn’t have a word for. He gave it up when he shut those unnamed experiences and feelings and thoughts and ways out of his life.

It ended when he became sick and tired of trying to be what he thought people wanted him to be. It ended when he finally decided to be who he really was and take back his own ring of power.
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Almost everyone uses words. Almost everyone talks and reads and writes. And almost everyone thinks in words too. We all have an unconscious agreement that the world is what we think and say it is. What began as one of many functions of consciousness – the ability to put things into words – ended up thinking it was the whole show. If you can’t name it, it isn’t there. This limiting function of consciousness has come to dominate the world, allowing into reality only what has already been named.
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As he has gotten more and more deeply into eye contact, he has come to see that it is truly another language, one completely nonverbal yet capable of complex and subtle communications and often describing a reality that is quite different from the one captured by our words.

When he began dropping acid with Karen, in their early days, they spent a great deal of their time together looking into each other eyes. This amazing and expressive channel between them was always completely open. They saw, in fact, that they couldn’t lie with their eyes, that eyes can’t lie at all.

He knew a woman once, who would fuck him, but who wouldn’t look him in the eye. She was hiding herself from him. Most of us hide from each other most of the time. We even use words to make it easier, pretending that we are communicating – even when we’re really not.

When he did his dissertation, he read everything that had been written about eye contact – in the psychological and other learned journals, and in literature too. He had other folks besides Karen share their eyes with him.

He got into all the eye contact games, like trying to catch a busy waiter’s eye in a restaurant, or trying to have eye contact with a stranger on the street. Everyone knows these games, but we seldom talk about them. Everyone tries to catch the waiter’s eye, yet we all know that the waiter’s not looking on purpose because he’s busy. Everyone has mixed feelings about sharing their eyes with a stranger on the street.

And how about flirting? He was trying to connect with this woman across the room from him once. She would look everywhere but at him. He knew that she knew that he was looking at her. She knew he knew she knew. She finally had to look at him, and they both cracked up laughing at what they had been doing.

Or how about this? When he was still working at the Free Clinic in Berkeley, he was in the Rap Center, sitting in on an open contact rap session. He was listening to a young woman across the room from him. She was telling the group how the hospital she had been in had forced her to take tranquilizers. He felt anger on her behalf. He looked at her then, feeling for her. She looked back into his eyes, then interrupted what she was saying to the group, saying instead, “excuse me, but I want to talk to that man over there,” pointing to him. “He understands what I’m feeling.”

So much happens with our eyes, and, for most of the time, most of us aren’t dealing with what is going on. Our eyes speak a whole other language, one that most of us are afraid to use or even to acknowledge. This happens because, although our egos may have control of our thinking and speaking centers of consciousness, they have no control over our eyes and what they might say.

Our eyes speak only the truth, and all of it. If any of us were to sit together and look openly into each other’s eyes, we would come to know each other better – all without words. This is threatening for most of us, holding on, as we all do, to our little egos and our word games about who we are.

If we shared with our eyes, there would be much more trust and understanding in the world. Our old enemy fear is keeping us from being who we could be, keeping us from really connecting with each other – from even seeing that we can.

Everyone he has ever done acid with has risen above his or her fear and has been totally open with their eyes. It can be done. We can all communicate from soul to soul and not just from ego to ego.