Chapter 37 – Ariana’s First Road Trip

Heading to the Orchards

It’s fall now, apple picking time. Time to hit the road. Ariana’s ready for her first road trip. She’s two months old.

They’re planning to head to Idaho, where they picked last year, where Ariana was conceived, and then head back through Oregon to check it out there again, to see if they really want to move away from Berkeley now.

He has decided to rent out the extra room while they’re gone to Nancy, a friend of Bobby and Sharon, She lived here before, while they were on the road, and is good people, although not someone he would want to live with if and when they do return. She says she only wants it for a month though, so it should work out for all of them.

They decide not to ask anyone to come with them. They want time alone with each other and especially with Ariana. He was more open to Jim coming, because he has a van, a home for himself on the road. But Abby would have had to travel and camp with them, and he needs more space than he would have with her along.

He’s ready to leave. He needs a break from the intensity here. He has survived the wars going on here, both in the world and in his head, but he would like a simpler life for a change. He’s actually yearning for the peace and quiet of the orchards.
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Karen has made curtains for the front windows and a bed for Ariana that will fit over the front seats. They can take it down easily whenever they’re driving the van. She can sleep in their bed during the day too. They figure they’ll park the van in the orchards near where they’re working, so that he and Karen can both work some while Ariana is asleep in the van.

He’s actually looking forward to the physical work. He has come a long way since he picked apples that first time with Karen and Steve. He really didn’t want to be physical then, just wanted to stay in the van and study the I Ching. He has been getting more into body each and every year since then.
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When they finally leave Berkeley behind, they head east on highway 80, going through the beautiful mountains. Later, they cut across northern Nevada, traveling on, one big happy family. Ariana likes traveling with them.
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Apple Picking This Year

In the late evening, they drive into Emmett with all its memories. When they pull up at Jack’s orchards, however, they get the shock of their lives. There are no apples on his trees! At first they think that they are late, that they missed the harvest somehow, but later, when they talk with Jack, he tells them that there had been a hard freeze last spring that took all his fruit.

This upsets their world. There’s no work here. What will they do now? Jack tells them that some of the other orchards survived the freeze okay, suggests they try Sanders orchards down the way.
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So the next morning, they head down to find Vern Sanders, the owner of the orchards. He’s glad to have them, especially with Jack’s okay. They get right into it and pick all day, except for when Karen has to nurse Ariana. He will say this – Ariana sure likes to nurse. Karen says that Ariana stops sucking after awhile, but if she tries to take her nipple out of Ariana’s mouth, Ariana starts to suck again.

He makes twelve dollars today, picking two bins. Karen makes only six dollars because of Ariana’s constant nursing. Whatever, they have a way to make money now!

They’ve brought a little, collapsible playpen for Ariana, hoping she’ll be happy to hang out in it under their tree while they’re picking, so they can both work at the same time. Right now, she’s in it, looking up at him picking, working for her. She’s happy. He’s happy.
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It’s their third day of picking now. It’s getting easier every day. He doesn’t have much time for thinking though, not beyond where to put his ladder and how Ariana is doing. He did dream about Abby last night. He does miss her.
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The next day he picks all day, but Karen doesn’t pick at all. Her belly is hurting. She isn’t feeling very well. He feels rain coming. It’ll sure help with his hay fever. He’s still picking his two bins a day. They’re starting to build up a nest egg, enough to travel on for a while afterwards.

He was right about the rain coming. In the middle of the night, it starts coming down. It always sounds heavier on the van’s metal roof, but he can tell that it’s here to stay. He needs a day off anyway.
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The next morning, when he wakes up, he can see there won’t be any picking today. Even if the rain stops, it’ll be too wet. He spends the day in the van, hanging out with Karen and Ariana. They are being hard on each other. Karen’s still stick to her stomach and grumpy, and Ariana just won’t go to sleep and leave her alone. He just stays stoned and helps as he can.
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Berkeley or Oregon?

They’ve been here in the orchards for almost three weeks now. They’re leaving in a couple more days. He has picked all this time, and he feels very physical now – a lean and horny animal.

They’re still don’t know whether or not to move from Berkeley. They have decided to wait and see how they feel at Carol and Denny’s, to decide from there. He has mixed feelings. Swisshome, Oregon isn’t an acid place, isn’t that high. All the folks there are nice but fairly straight in their heads, even the hippies.

On the other hand, he has serious reservations about spending another winter in Berkeley. It’s becoming more and more violent. It’s not fun like it used to be. He needs to think of Ariana too, she needs to grow up in a calm and safe place. He’s still learning what it’s like to be a father, what he has to change or do in his life for her.
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The night before they leave the orchards, He flashes very heavily on Jim, looking at him. He can tell by Jim’s look that he needs to see him soon.

In the morning, they get their last paycheck, pack up Sam, and say goodbye to everyone. They’re leaving this old Emmett town behind.

They’re heading across the Cascades now and then over to the coast at Newport. Along the way, he looks for some place to do acid, some place where he can stop and reflect before going on. But he doesn’t find anything here in the Cascades. It’s very cold up here too. There’s even new snow. They decide to go on down to the coast instead.

They stop in Newport, at Moe’s, for clam chowder and a fresh fish dinner. He sees that Carlos Castaneda’s new book, Tales of Power, is here; as was Carlo’s previous one the last time he was here. He buys this one and begins to read it right away.

He’s reading it, except when he’s actually doing the driving down the coast, devouring it really. He needs some intellectual stimulation badly. However, by the time he finally finishes reading it, he feels disbelief. He feels that it’s all been a shuck. It’s so much bullshit.

They’re going slowly, camping along the way. It’s warm and sunny here on the coast. He and Karen enjoy walking with Ariana on the beaches looking for sand dollars and other interesting shells and things.
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When they finally drive up to Carol and Denny’s place, it’s synchronicity time again. Denny tells them that his brother is leaving to live in Tahoe in a few weeks. Both he and Carol say that they could, and should, spend the winter in the apartment above the garage. It’s really tempting.

They call Berkeley to talk with Abby. He doesn’t know if she’s hurt or what, afraid maybe to say how she feels, but she isn’t at all open and just says that they should do what they need to do.

They tell Carol and Denny that they’ll probably be back, and soon, but that they need to make their final decision in Berkeley. They’ll call and let them know from there. He’s somewhat scared because it’ll be all new and because he has just made a new life for himself in Berkeley. He’s also excited though. He has always wanted to fish, and here’s the Siuslaw River with its great Salmon fishing right outside what would be their front door.
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Chapter 38 – Leaving Berkeley

Giving up on Berkeley

The first night he’s back in Berkeley, he dreams that he’s pitching for his team against some other guys. It’s a street game. At first, they’re hitting him all over the place. The rest of the guys on his team are fucking up too. He gets angry and determined, and throws his best pitch. The batter hits it back to him, and he catches it. He’s together now. He throws two more pitches, and each time the batter hits it back to him and he catches it. He runs in to bat, feeling confident now. He has it together now. His team can beat the other guys yet.
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Jim is really glad to see him. He tells Jim about the time he woke up in the orchard, seeing his face. Jim says that he was really down then, lost in his darkness, and thinking of him, wanting to connect to him. Jim says that he felt him too then and was calmed. Hearing Jim, he feels bad that he can’t always be here for him, for anyone who needs him. He feels even worse knowing that he can’t even always be here for his son Jonathan.

He and Karen talk with Abby too, telling her that if she ever wants to open up to them, now’s the time. They remind her how they have told her before that she didn’t have all the time in the world to decide. They tell her that they are leaving the city, that they would still like to connect with her, would still like to be part of a tight family with her. They would even wait until spring, when she could leave the city with them.

She says not to bother. She says that she loves them, but is feeling pressured. He can understand, yet she has had plenty of time to decide. He realizes finally that their paths just aren’t going the same way anymore. He lets go of her now.

As for the rest of the folks – Bobby and Sharon and Caroline and all – he already knew that they would never want to be part of an organized and tight-knit family. Maybe, when they’re older and with kids of their own, they might – but not now.
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As for the rest of Berkeley, he’s more than ready to move on, especially after a black guy tries to grab his bike out of his hands today, as he’s walking on the Avenue. He smiles and tells he black guy that he’s going to get hurt if he doesn’t let go. The black guy lets go. If he stays here longer, he’s going to be in a serious fight. He had better go.
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Oregon with Jim

He asks Jim to drive to Swisshome with him. He wants to use Jim’s van to move some of his and Karen’s stuff early. They’re definitely moving there and soon, in a few weeks probably. He’s finished with Berkeley. They want to get most of their things up there now, and then bring the rest of it up in Sam when they come up themselves.

Sam isn’t ready to head north yet anyway. He still needs some work, and, besides, Karen needs him here, what with Ariana and all. He asked Jim to drive up to Swisshome with him because he wants some time alone with him before he leaves. The two of them have been very close. He want to see how Jim’s doing now – is he out of his darkness yet?
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The trip up is interesting and revealing. Jim doesn’t care for his van like they care for Sam. He usually just throws a mattress in the back. Now, of course, it’s full of their kitchen things, their books, and the few pieces of furniture that they’re bringing with them, including his cedar chest and the table his dad made long ago, several things of Karen’s too. The passenger seat in Jim’s van is loose, and he soon has a sore back, having to brace himself all the time.

Jim seems to be okay. He’s still very quiet and shy, but he’s able to take care of business. Jim says that he has thought of following him to Oregon, but now he feels he’s ready for a new life and doesn’t need him anymore. He’s relieved to hear this. He has been concerned. He had been going to ask Jim if he wanted to move with him. He’ll miss him and his quiet ways. He feels a lot of love for him.
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They left in the middle of the afternoon, and it’s a long drive. They don’t get in until long after everyone’s gone to bed up here in Swisshome. Jim pulls in quietly, and they quickly make up their beds beside the river, and then fall into an exhausted sleep. Thank God, it’s not raining for a change.

The next morning, they go into the house to tell the folks they’re here. Carol already knows. She’s been up with her son Scott for hours. He’s a quiet boy, subdued, and scared for some reason. He flashes that Scott might grow up to be like Jim.

Later in the day, after they’ve unloaded the van, Denny and his buddies return from their day. They think Jim is weird. He can tell. Jim can too, and he sees that it upsets him some. He has second thoughts about living here, wondering if they see him the same way. It’s too late now to change his mind though. He’s just going to have to take whatever comes to him on this next turn of the medicine wheel of his life.
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Last Acid Trip in Berkeley

He’s tripping in Berkeley for the last time, mostly to say goodbye to all his favorite places and people. As he often has, he begins at the Senior Men’s bench on the UC campus. Then he walks up through town to the hills and spends some time sitting under a big old pine tree, looking out over the bay. It’s a good day to trip.

Later at the house, he hangs out in the backyard and in their garage with Karen and Ariana. Karen’s been spending her day packing and saying goodbye to friends. She says that the folks here are upset and angry at their leaving, although they won’t cop to it. Ariana seems to like his tripping energy. He decides to hang out with her for a while.
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He’s getting a better understanding of his decision to move to Oregon – there’s a side of him that’s really scared of the world now, especially the world here in Berkeley. He wants a hole called Oregon to crawl into. This fear within him has even become stronger than his desire to continue his work here, work that has been going so well, or to stay here for his acid companions.

He feels as if he’s in some sort of objective danger here. He feels especially paranoid about his acid energy. When he’s high, he can’t help but broadcast his vibe. He thinks of Doris Lessing and her book, The Four-Gated City. In it, she sees that as they all become more psychic, as they are becoming now, some of them will be better at receiving and some better at sending. He’s definitely the latter. If this is so, maybe he shouldn’t have tripped here today, maybe by sending out his acid energy, he’s attracting negative energy back.

Later when he goes into the house to visit with Abby and Jim and Bobby and the others, he sees this happening on a more personal level. As soon as he enters the back door, the negative energy starts hitting on him. The folks here are definitely angry with him and Karen, just as she said.

He tries to help them see why he and Karen have to leave – why it isn’t working out for them here. He tries to tell them that he and Karen are Ariana’s parents now, that they can’t party all the time now. It doesn’t help though, and soon, from what they’re saying, he can see why. They have been unconsciously asking him and Karen to be their parents, and can’t help but see their leaving as abandonment. He tries to sympathize with them, but he knows that neither he nor Karen ever wanted them for children. They have Ariana and Jonathan for that.
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Going, Going, Gone

He wakes up sick the morning after his trip, ravaged by all the negative and unconscious energies that he ate from his friends last night. He’s feels really bad now – feverish and aching and all. He fucked up, tripping here amongst an old and dying trip. He should have known better. He rests all day, hoping he’ll recover. He’s already completely packed and ready to go.
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The next morning, he’s still not feeling better, but he realizes that he will never feel better staying here. He really feels the need to leave – so, after eating breakfast, they say goodbye, take their hugs, promise to write and all that, and leave.

When he came back down from Oregon with Jim the other day, he said LA once, meaning to say Berkeley. He remembers now his dream, from back when he still lived in LA, the one telling him never to trip there in LA again, that the vibes there were bad for him while he was so open and high. For him, LA is a state of mind – in particular, a severe anxiety depression state of time. He can see from here that he was trying to tell himself something that day, riding in Jim’s van – trying to tell himself that Berkeley is like LA was for him back in those days, a place that would bring him down if he tripped there again.
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He and Karen are quiet now, driving away from Berkeley, maybe for the last time. He’s thinking of old friends there and the good times they had together. Being a parent has changed his life a lot. He’s certainly not the acid king, not Wanderer anymore – if he ever was. He’s just Karen’s husband and Ariana’s dad, driving north into an unknown future.

Ariana’s sick too. She’s very sensitive to vibes. He’s worried about her now. Will she need to see a doctor? Who can they see if she does? He’s feeling very vulnerable now. He’s hoping that they will all feel better soon, now that they’ve finally left all that old shit behind.
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After a long, slow drive, they arrive at their new home in Swisshome, Oregon. Denny’s brother didn’t clean it up very well, but they’re able to move themselves in enough to fall asleep for a while on their bed. Later Karen makes tea and a simple dinner for them. They’re home now. He’s still feeling sick but somewhat better, just knowing he has finally gotten away from Berkeley and never has to go back again. If he can just take it easy for a while, he’ll soon be well. Ariana’s going to be all right too. She’s much calmer now.

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