Chapter 33 – Here She Comes

Knowing Seed

He started a garden earlier this spring, the first he has done since he and his mother gardened together when he was a boy. He dug up half of the front lawn. Grass is useless anyway. It wastes water. He was glad to see it go. He planted corn and beans and squash at first, following the way of the Hopi, planting them all together so that the beans and squash would climb up the corn stalks, so that the bush peas and lettuce and chard that he planted next would have some shade.

It came out so well that he dug up the other side of the front lawn and put in a much larger garden there as well. He planted a lot more corn and winter squash, more salad greens, some tomato and green pepper plants, and herbs like basil and comfrey, others too.

Just yesterday, he was digging up some of the back lawn too, planting marijuana plants in with some corn. He’s tired of having to buy it all the time.
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He has had a difficult time with the reality of a baby coming to them. He can see Karen’s belly swell and he knows with his head what it means. It’s just that it isn’t happening directly to him. He can’t feel it happening in his body as she does.

But he can see now, with all his gardening, that he has really been teaching himself about the magic of seed, learning that if he puts a seed into the ground, or into Karen’s cunt, life will grow within and will someday, depending on the seed, come out into the light of day.

Someone told him recently that the word husband originally meant someone who tended to the seed, who nourished it and made sure that it grew into what it was supposed to be. He’s being the husband with his gardening, learning the magic of seed so that he may be emotionally and spiritually prepared for the birth of their child.

He understands too that it’s the same with all his recent bread baking. A pregnant woman is said to have “a bun in the oven,” is said to be “cooking a baby” until it’s ready to come out into the world.

He has been following these metaphors for birth, acting them out in his life without even being conscious, until just now, of what he has been doing. His body hasn’t been going directly through the pregnancy, yet his deepest and most primal consciousness has, and has led him to gardening and to baking bread so that he could have a tangible way of relating to what’s most important in his life now.
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Ariana

Ariana was born this morning at 9:40. It’s Monday, the first day of July, eleven days after his own birthday. He loves her very much. He feels that he has known her forever. She’s so little and so cute.
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Last night Karen was feeling some contractions when they were about to go to bed, but they weren’t strong enough or close enough yet. He and Abby stayed with her in the garage where he and Karen usually sleep. They were all trying to get some rest, but it was too exciting for him and Abby, too painful for Karen.

In the early morning, Karen’s bag of waters broke, soaking the bed. They decided to get up while they still could and to go to their room inside the house where they could be snuggier and near a phone.
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They have a good doctor and two midwives who will assist with the birth. Karen has been checked out, and the baby’s healthy and in the right position for birth. They’ve practiced with the midwives and by themselves a lot. They’re as ready as they’ll ever be.

He decides to do some acid for the occasion – for the energy and more importantly for the high. He wants to be really here and high when he meets his daughter for the first time.
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In their room in the house, they make a nest for Karen in a corner, piling pillows all around. He and Abby get everything ready, all the things they’ll need. He and Abby are here with her for the duration, no matter what. They call the midwives, who they tell them to call back when the contractions are coming regularly and often enough.
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He’s massaging Karen’s lower back and pelvis, breathing with her, and helping her to stay focused on what she’s going through. Abby’s timing the contractions and changing the cold washcloths that they’ve placed on Karen’s head, things like that. After a long while, the contractions begin to come every couple of minutes, so they call the midwives again. They say they’re on their way.

The other folks in the house have felt the energy and have come in to watch. After awhile though, he has to ask them to leave. The other folks aren’t respecting what they’re doing here. They won’t stop talking among themselves even to help Karen with her breathing, instead are distracting them from their task at hand.

He thinks the midwives must have fallen back asleep for a while – the baby’s head is crowning before they arrive. He can see the dark and full head of hair between Karen’s stretched out labia. Karen’s been holding back till now, waiting for them to arrive, but now that they’re here, she lets go. She begins to push, and soon they have a baby girl.

They don’t turn her upside down or hang her by her heels. They don’t spank her, as they have seen done in the movies. There’s no need. She’s breathing fine. He cuts the umbilical cord and helps tie it, while the midwife cleans the mucous out of her nose and throat. He looks at her and say, “hello, Ariana, welcome home.” She’s all wet and slimy and bloody, wrinkled as all newborns are. They wipe her off next, to see what she really looks like, under all the blood and gore.

“She probably won’t nurse for a while, but it’ll help bring out the placenta if she can lie just so,” the other midwife says, placing Ariana on Karen’s breast. They’re going to save the placenta. They’re going to eat it later, as the Native Americans do. The midwives say that the dark hair will probably fall out soon, that’s it’s temporary. It’s like a Mohawk, mostly on the top. There’s a very light fuzz on the sides, almost white. This is probably what her hair will look like when it grows in.

Just now the doctor arrives. He has forgotten the silver nitrate and has missed the birth, but that’s okay, neither of them has syphilis and the birth went okay without him being here anyway. He did remember to bring some very good hash and a pipe, and soon they’re all very stoned.
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They soon find out that Ariana likes to be held, doesn’t like to be put down at all, and won’t nap unless he or Karen lie down with her. She even wakes up if they try to leave after she’s sleeping. She’s very alert and active in spite of being so out of it and wobbly as babies always are. She’s very sensitive to vibes too. Someone just came to their door, and when they let him in, a salesman on a zoom trip, she began to cry and didn’t stop until they made him leave.

Karen has already made a little bed for Ariana out of one of her old suitcases, lining it with plastic on the bottom and soft baby blankets over that. Ariana’s going to sleep in it right next to their bed.

Karen’s exhausted. He has never seen her looking so tired. He is tired too, even with the acid, but the energy between him and Ariana is so intense that he doesn’t care. He already has a deep and abiding connection with her. He knows that she’s going to be very important in his life. Nothing at all in Karen’s pregnancy prepared him for the reality of Ariana, another human being in the world – his own little baby daughter.
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Father Energy

He has had an incredible amount of energy ever since Ariana came into his life. It’s obvious that all this energy comes from being her father.

There is an archetypal, or instinctual if you will, side to being a father. When child is born to a man, the father archetype within him is constellated and joins itself to his own individual consciousness and its concerns. The incredible amount of energy connected with this powerful archetype now becomes available to his as a new father – so that he may adequately protect and provide for his child.
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Since Ariana came, he has been a whirlwind of energy, both within and without. He has become very clear in his mind, centered in his body, and directed towards taking care of business. His classes are going well. He’s about to begin a new one on shamanic healing. Five new men have come to work with him individually. They somehow felt his powerful energy. He’s earning a decent living finally. He’s going to build a fence and gate for some folks next week too. He ought to make a couple hundred dollars doing it. It’ll be fun, and a challenge too. He hasn’t done this complicated a carpentry job in a long while.

Jonathan’s coming to visit! Pamela is letting him come because of Ariana. All his old tripping friends, except for Mexican and Karen, are here in Berkeley now, almost as if they came for the birth. Cheno’s back from Morocco. Sunshine’s here from Florida. Abby and Jim are living here with them, Sallie too. Bobby’s living in his almost finished truck out in front. Chuck and Joe are still around too.
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He has been mulling over Gaskin’s trip as a spiritual teacher, probably because he reread Spiritual Midwifery just before the birth. He has often been tempted to be a spiritual teacher as Stephen is, with a following and all. He has charisma and wisdom. He could be like Stephen. But he would rather be Wanderer – alone in the woods with Spirit or else on the road, moving on, coming into a town just long enough to heal folks, but not long enough to take over people’s lives, as Stephen has done.

He and Karen would like to be part of a community. But not a hierarchical one like the Farm, and especially not one that is focused upon a spiritual teacher. Instead, they are looking for one focused on using consensus as the decision making process and on sharing and learning and growing together. It would be good for Ariana too. She’d have more family then, more love.
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Mexican and Karen

It’s several days after Ariana was born. They’re still taking it easy, especially Karen. Most of the time they’ve been hanging out with folks here at the house. Karen’s nursing Ariana a lot. Today, for the first time in days, they’re finally alone.

The doorbell rings, and he looks at Karen, as if to say, “now what, aren’t we ever going to get any space?” They’ve been actively considering Carol and Denny’s offer to live in Oregon with them while they look for their own place there. There are just too many people here in their life now. They both want to be alone more with Ariana.

When he opens the door, however, it’s Mexican and Karen. He couldn’t be more pleased. They’ve been in Mexico, living there since soon after they left them in Colorado last year. Mexican and Karen say that they have felt their energy recently and have driven all the way here to find out where they were now. Synchronicity! Acid connections go really deep, to levels where they have a common head.

He tells them that they’re back living here now, that they came back here because they got pregnant on the road. He tells them that they had a baby born to them just the other day and that’s really why they’re here.

After hugs, he brings them inside to where Karen and Ariana are hanging out together. There’s so much love in the room. He sees now that he and Karen don’t really want to get away from everyone, just from those who aren’t where they’re at, who aren’t really connected with them. Mexican and Karen are much more together than anyone living here.

In defense of the folks here – it’s been hard for all of them living in this tiny two-bedroom house. They do tend to get on each other’s nerves. If he and Karen had their own place, they could visit with their friends whenever they wanted, without their friends being with them all the time.
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Mexican tells him that he and Karen had wanted to travel with them, maybe to Mexico or Peru. He says the Indians down there are really into acid. He thought they could take a gram or two down with them and turn them on to it, maybe trade for mushrooms. He thought they would be able to connect to their shamans this way. But Ramon sees now that his fantasy doesn’t fit their reality anymore.

He can see it too. He’s really into being a father. He doesn’t really miss who he has been before. Ramon says that Karen wants them to go back to Florida anyway, to go to school together in Gainesville. She wants them to get their act together so they can have a kid too. Ramon was just hoping.
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Chapter 34 – Out of the Darkness

Jim’s Dream

He feels for Jim. Beneath Jim’s cool and his spaciness, he’s really hurting. People usually don’t see this because Jim has let himself become so numb and so detached from everyone and everything. All they see is this weird guy standing around being quiet all the time.

Jim dreamt last night that he’s in the backyard of their house here. It’s dark everywhere he looks. It has always been so. He’s scared and lonely and feels really bad. He’s lost and doesn’t know where to go. Then Jim sees him standing nearby. He says hello to Jim, smiles, waves at him, and then begins to head towards the east, at first walking, but soon running, ever faster. In desperation Jim runs after him, hoping that he knows the way out of the darkness. Jim feels that anywhere is better than where he is now. It becomes lighter as they run on, until finally they break through the darkness surrounding them. Jim sees now that there really is light in the world.
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At first, he was like everyone else and didn’t see Jim’s pain, but the other day he finally saw it. He told Jim then that he could feel the pain behind his cool, that he could feel the depression dragging him down. He told Jim then that he had once been lost in the darkness himself, not knowing the way out.

Jim’s dream last night was a response to what he had said then, continuing the deep and inner healing dialogue between them. Jim’s inner teacher heard him the other day and knows that he has a friend in him, someone who’s been through it all and has come out the other side, someone who can help bring Jim out into the light too.

Jim’s dream shows him the true state of Jim’s being, how dark and lonely his inner world really is. It also shows him how he can help him – by recognizing him, by being his friend, and, most importantly, by continuing his own search for his own inner light. Jim’s dream is also showing him that he’s like Jim – still running towards the light, still searching in his life – not someone already there and beckoning safely to Jim from beyond the darkness and the hurt.

Whether or not he’s free of his own inner darkness, his own depression and fear, at least he knows the way out and is heading towards the light; and, more importantly, because he cares for Jim, he’s bringing him out with him as he comes. This is why Jim dreamt earlier, up at Dinky, that he was his doctor. They have a deep and caring inner connection, and he is helping him, just by helping himself. This is what healing is really all about.
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Dinky with Ariana

When Ariana is three weeks old, they take her with them to Dinky. Jim and Abby come too. They arrive late in the night, sleep in the campground, and then hike in early the next morning. They’re going to stay here for a week, maybe longer.

He remembers when he was still with Pamela. They went camping once with Jonathan when he was still a baby. Pamela didn’t nurse him at all – her mother thought it was animal and barbaric – so they had to bring all these bottles and rubber nipples and the stuff to sterilize them. They car camped then. There was no way they could have carried all their backpacking gear, plus Jonathan and all his nursing bottles.
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However, this time at Dinky with Ariana, it’s easy. Their packs are only a little heavier than usual, carrying extra diapers and all those little things Ariana needs, including two warm and snuggy sleepers and a tiny sleeping bag for her. She’ll be warm as toast in their tent with them. If it gets really cold, they’ll bring her in with them in their zip-together down bags.

In spite of the extra weight, they carry it all in easily, taking turns carrying Ariana in their arms. Abby and Jim help too. Everyone wants to hold her. He wouldn’t recommend this for a long hike, but for the two miles into their camp, it’s easy.

Karen thinks they can leave the diapers off of Ariana for most of the day. They decided not to try and wash them up here. They would have had to bring in a big heavy metal pot. They would have had to fill it with water from the creek and then heat it with a wood fire. Instead, they brought in enough diapers for now, and there’s more in the van. They can easily wash some down there if they run out.

Karen wants to use as few as possible. The next day, after they set up camp, they’re all over by the big pool, with Karen nursing Ariana. Karen soon learns to put a diaper under Ariana, at least while they’re nursing. The rest of the time it’s okay without one. They just have to make sure she isn’t in the sun too much.
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The next day, he does acid and tells Karen to take a break, that he’ll hang out with Ariana for the afternoon. He lies here under his tree with her beside him on her little blanket and pad. He’s keeping them mostly in the shade. He looks into her eyes and she’s really here, looking back at him, fully aware. She may be in a baby’s body now, but she’s ageless and wise. He knows that they have a deep, inner connection. He wonders if she’ll choose to do acid when she grows up.